Posted by workinprogress on May 8, 2009, at 13:01:48
In reply to Posting Here So I Don't Start Surfing the Web, posted by FindingMyDesire on May 8, 2009, at 0:48:56
Oh sweetie... I am so sorry you are aching so much. I so understand where you are coming from, because I've felt it too. That yearning.. the worm in your head, the constant longing and wanting and ACHING. I thought it would NEVER go away and that I was sort of crazy for feeling it in the first place. I so get it and I'm so sorry you're having a hard time.
(((((((FMD)))))))))
You're right of course, it's good to talk to your T about it. And it's good to let yourself FEEL it. That's how I moved through that space. Here's my list of coping mechanisms (all of which my T knows about and says are fine):
1) calling her every night just to leave a message so she won't forget me (she says I'm always in her heart, out of sight isn't out of mind- but that isn't what I felt growing up, so this helps)
2) transitional object (a little bear that goes everywhere with me)
3) occasional voice mails from her when I need them
4) sometimes driving by her house (I was super ashamed to tell her that one, but she said, if that's what you need to do to feel comforted or connected, that's ok- so long as you aren't hurting me)- I don't do it often, but I've done it
5)talking to her about my connection/attachment of course, what she means to me
6) I'm away from home for work for 2 months (home every other weekend and will try to see her) and I asked her for a T care package- a little bit of T to have on the road. She agreed.And, I have googled her. I haven't told her that, not sure why exactly. Probably initially it felt like an invasion of privacy and now I just know she'd be fine so it seems weird to bring up.
Anyway, all that is to say... you're so not alone. And it isn't abnormal that you feel the way you do. It took me quite some time to feel ok- probably about a year and a half. And it was the daily phone calls that finally did it. I finally felt connected enough through them. I finally knew she couldn't forget me.
I think we all have to find what works for us. And it's important to ask for what you need of course. And of course Ts can't always give us what we want, but I bet you can get to something that feels good eventually. Have you seen those "Table Topic" cards they sell in gift stores? Well, they are these cards that have conversational questions on them. I pulled out "who in the world would you most like to trade places with?" and I said my T's 12 year old (not the 18 year old- too independent) daughter. She can't do that for me of course, but she can understand that desire in me. She's still my mom in lots of ways though and that's changed me and my life. Once I stopped fighting those feelings and desires it got easier... and way more comfortable.
My T calls it "settling in".
For you, I look forward to you "settling in".
WIP
> The topic of web surfing for our Ts is an old one. I'm not trying to start that one up again (unless others want to take it there which would be fine, of course.) I just saw her today and I'm not going to see her for a week and I REALLY NEEDED MORE THAN 50 MINUTES. It just wasn't enough. She left me a message for me to listen to this week, but it's REALLY, REALLY not enough. I am trying to just acknowledge the feeling, let it pass through, know this is all a "process" and try not to judge myself. But I ACHE. I was too comfortable in the last two sessions! I didn't talk enough about my attachment to her and now I feel like I NEED that discussion in order to feel attached! Does that make sense to anyone?
>
> I so desperately want to see her Twitter account, Facebook account, ANYTHING. (I assume she has such things all protected, btw. It was just that one crazy night when I was miscarrying and she was ON VACATION that I did a hardcore search for her and found stuff. The only thing I have done since then is steal her Twitter profile pic - what is it? 2x4 pixels - haha - for my iPod.)
>
> Anyway, I told her no more surfing. Not cause she was telling me not to, but just cause I actually don't want to find "stuff" out about her that way. I just want more connection. I need a hug really. From her. A really Super Tight Hug that tells me she trusts me, is here for me, and that she cares. No, that says she LOVES me.
>
> She said she cares about me on the message. It means SO much to me that she says that. But now I want her to tell me she loves me. Why can't "cares about me" be enough? Why can't that carry me till next week? Man, even my palms hurt. I just WANT her and I don't even knows what that means. *sigh*
>
> FindingMyDesire
poster:workinprogress
thread:894732
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20090421/msgs/894778.html