Posted by garnet71 on May 6, 2009, at 18:17:58
Please someone say they can identify with this or explain this...I'm feeling so guilty.
So I have two 3 hour long classes, w/about 3 hrs in between. Today i went to my morning class; then I went to the gym and had lunch as usual...sat down at my computer..for 1/2 hour w/emails...then had a sudden urge to leave instead of going to class! After fighting myself, I got in my car and left.
I only have 2 more weeks till I graduate, and my other school's semester starts before this one ends--so I'm getting points taken off my grade for attendance already, it was soooo stupid for me to be missing class when I didn't need to. The urge to leave was just so strong though-and i was fighting it for about 10 minutes.
Then I went to the grocery stores, came home and made grilled steak salads. So then I decided to go out and get nicotine gum....instead-I diverted-I bought a pack of cigarettes..and thought some more--and instead of driving home, I decided to go to the store and get a bottle of wine. Yikes!
I don't know what happened. I think I'm sick of being 'good' or something? I've been feeling deprived...all I've been doing is work (well schoolwork, housework, repairs/painting). I've been eating dried beans all week since I've been so poor..and quit smoking about 10 days ago. Haven't had sex in 6 months...
I'm wondering if this means i'm lonely or bored with life or what. I'm feeling so guilty right now. I mean, i got paid yesterday, only a small amount, but geez I was poor for a long time, then made lots of money, and became poor again..made lots of money..back and forth..I've lived in both realms for considerable lengths of time..and don't remember feeling like I had to run out and get a bottle of wine and smoke when I got a little money!
What would a therapist make of something like this? Maybe it doesn't sound like a big deal-but I am really pissed off at myself right now. I've been so good-haven't smoked or eaten bad, have been exercising alot..only had 1 beer in the past month..and haven't even taken a xanax in 3 days..why the sudden urge to screw up?
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poster:garnet71
thread:894529
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20090421/msgs/894529.html