Posted by LadyBug on April 17, 2009, at 11:10:51
In reply to Too much pain **Trigger**, posted by TherapyGirl on April 16, 2009, at 20:33:50
I know what you are going through as my T retired in December. It's painful, there's no doubt there. I thought I'd continue to see my T for as long as I liked, not so. She told me she was retiring in July, I was a little shocked at the time. We were having a major therapy rupture at the time and I took a six month long break. She let me know in a letter. At that point, I had to decide if I should return or just leave it open ended. I decided I needed to return to have some closure. It was hard, but we made the best of the final 6 sessions I had with her. She was retiring at a very critical time in my life. The previous year was full of major challenges for me. A year I hope to never have anything that even compares to it.
Our last session was really special. She was my world, the one that knew me the most, the one I loved the most outside of my kids. I thought about her almost the first thing each day as I woke up. Most nights I'd curl up to go to sleep and think of her. It brought me comfort. She brought me comfort in a way no one else ever has. She was the mom I never got. I looked up to her in every way.
It's true, it's harder than a death. I know she's out there somewhere and it's hard that I can't contact her. I relied on her so much. She welcomed me to leave her a voice mail when I struggled with things between appointments. My heart hurt telling her goodbye that final day. I didn't want to cry, but I couldn't quite hide the tears. I had a special ending.
A long time ago, I had given her a little girl figurine which she kept on her book shelf. That little girl represented myself. She was curious and full of love, ready to give that love away if she could trust she'd be safe in doing so. I also had given her a special small bottle of lotion to keep on her shelf. I loved the color purple, the lotion was in purple bottle with a grape scent. At our final session as I was leaving she asked if I wanted my things back. I asked her what would happen to them if I didn't take them back. She said they would be put in my "file". They were part of my work, not her property to keep. I decided to take them with me. I took the lotion and asked her if I could give her some to rub into her hands, part of me she could rub into her skin. It was a very special moment. Even though it hurt and I was hurt she was "leaving me". I made the best of it. I had too. I had to accept the fact she was retiring and I'd no longer have her in my life.
It's been 4 months now, the pain was really intense for a few weeks. I've dreamed about her a few times and it's made me miss her so much it's painful. But overall, I carry the feelings of our work and our success. I wish I could see her, say hi, go to lunch, give her a hug or anything. But I can't. I want to hear her say, "I Love You" one more time as she did tell me that at our last visit. We did have a strong connection and I miss that. I loved her with my whole heart and soul.
I know you don't believe it now, but you will get through this, not without pain, but you will be ok. I promise. My T told me that she knew what I was feeling as she went through a powerful termination with her T. She told me she missed him immensely but in time it got to a tolerable place for her. I am finding that to be true for me as time goes by.
Keep writing about your feelings. I know I sure used my babble friends to share my feelings with. Like you, I had NO ONE to share what was going on with me and my therapist.
LadyBug
poster:LadyBug
thread:891135
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20090328/msgs/891211.html