Posted by sassyfrancesca on January 20, 2009, at 9:34:06
In reply to My so-called family, posted by Trotter on January 20, 2009, at 2:03:01
((Trotter)) I understand your frustration. My mother was very abusive (physically and verbally)........I realize(d) that I could either go on trying to get her to get it (not going to happen), and remain frustrated for the rest of my life.
Or...accept who she is and try to have whatever relationship we could have (she is 86).
I know that sounds simplistic, and it is.
I never knew my father, and grew up in extreme poverty, molested, cockroaches, rats, snow which came in thru a crack in the wall, had my hand held over an open fire by another drunken woman neighbor, and the bad stuff is endless.
I joined the army right out of high school; best thing I ever did.
Unfortunately (some) people parent they way THEY were parented/treated. It may be that your mother (father?) were brought up in a cold, unloving atmosphere.
When you say how you feel, and they don't get it, it is very painful...but that is all you can do.
After that, the ball is in their court.
We all want to be loved and validated and heard by our parents. If they cannot or will not, then WE have a choice to make.
Continue to be angry and bitter and frustrated and what we didn't get (and still don't).....
Or try to have some kind of relationship, whatever that may be.
I refused to let the past control my present. I "married" my mother and spent 31 years being abused. I am now divorced (excruciating decision); fear of being alone and abandoment....
I've written my memoir (Ghost Child to Triumph/from a child with no voice, to someone who speaks up against injustice)
Won a scholarship and went back to school at age 61.
After being voted out of church: www.churchabusepoetrytherapy.com....over 15,200 hits so far
I am the moderator of an abused survivors' group
I am "patting" myself on the back, because no matter what happened to us, we now as adults....have choices.
I say this with love and caring (and understanding!!)
P.S. You cannot make them feel guilt, remorse, etc.....they feel and ARE who they are.
I would have liked to have had my mother understand what it felt like to be molested while sleeping (she left me alone at night)....
The only person you can change is yourself (trite, I know....but true)......perhaps you could try and understand why they are the people they are and what happened to make them that way; perhaps insight would soften your frustration and anger.......
I see that you are making your love for them conditional (unless or until they do what you want or need).....I doubt at their age it will happen.
Unfortunately, we couldn't choose our parents (LOL)....there were things my mother did, that I would never tell a living soul...but she is the only parent I have, and in a short time, she will be gone.
I hope i haven't rambled on too long or offended you; want to let you know i have been there.
Love, Sassy
I think if you choose to walk away, you might be sorry later on...perhaps.
I don't think that telling them about your brother's suicide will change a thing; it will just further entrench their denial, and you will feel further rage......that's sounds like emotional blackmail; you want something from them, and you think by telling them something so horrific, they will get it. They will either NOT believe it, or will be devastated. Hurting them won't resolve any issues.
Again, I don't want to offend you...just saying what I think will happen. Sorry this is so long.
I got the courage to ask my mother why she didn't do anything about me being molested. Her response? I didn't know.......(she did)
poster:sassyfrancesca
thread:875095
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20090109/msgs/875118.html