Posted by antigua3 on December 22, 2008, at 7:04:56
In reply to Re: I'm confused » antigua3, posted by DAisym on December 21, 2008, at 13:56:09
I'm glad I made you smile! That makes my day, and it has just started. I know you have been one who has been unsure of my pdoc and our "fit." I can see now that I've clearly missed a lot of what he has had to say all along. He's more on the mark than I thought. Kind of scary--what else does he already know about me? Sometimes I want to ask that question, from a clinical standpoint, but when I have (i.e., he described my abuse as more than "severe"), I've been upset by his answers. He is one smart guy, though, even if he could use some lessons in compassion and empathy. I would say that these words don't exist in his vocabulary, but I could be wrong as I have been about many things.
One thing, however, is that I don't think he has positive unconditional regard for me. I don't feel that. I don't think that's his way.
He did tell me that he thinks I trust him during this conversation and I guess he's right. He's still pretty authoritarian, in my view, but... and yes, he his afraid of the word relationship, because as I posted, it's ridiculous to say we don't have one. Geez, I certainly have a relationship with my friends at Starbucks, no matter how simple that may be.
You're right, you're right, you're right about the mothering thing. Both my T and pdoc have pointed this out. I just don't want to believe that part of my job is done with my oldest. And yes, I know there are new relationships evolving and I just have to find ways to make them as satisfying.
About the rage. I did notice that a lot of it was directed toward my daughter, and I figured out that I was angry that she, too, one day would be leaving, and I'm mad at her for that, although it's not her fault at all. Once I realized that, I could let go a little, although that didn't explain the explosiveness of the rage, which I still attribute to the meds.
I hadn't thought about the rage being associated with the unexpressed anger I must have felt as a child. Good point. The holidays certainly are tough and for me to not acknowledge that I could be expressing this subconsciously is huge. Thanks again.
Usually, I would want to pin my pdoc to the wall to get him to admit that we do have a relationship, but I think I'll let let it go. In fact, we have a pretty intense relationship and for him to deny it is silly. So at this point I'm not going to insist because it would be interpreted as more transference.
It's funny that I hadn't noticed that there was a caring person under all that "rulesy" exterior, but there is one. But what a mess that puts me in--everything I didn't want, and it scares the dickens out of me. I want to curl up and cry that "This isn't what I wanted!" because it complicates everything, and I don't want him to hurt me. Scared to death of it. And it would be easy for me to interpret his actions as hurtful at times, because of the way he his, but I'm going to have to be open and honest about this and it's going to really, really hurt.
As to the meds, right now I'm just blue and not depressed, but I will keep an eye on it. He said if I was depressed, I wouldn't be accomplishing things, and boy oh boy have I been accomplishing things.
It goes back to "Do I like this person I've become?" I don't have that answer yet, but I know I have to give it time.
Thanks for letting me know I didn't write too much. I know I did, and I was embarrassed, but I couldn't seem to get straight to the point.
I hope you have a lovely holiday, meaning that I hope you're making time for yourself and your children. Try to keep away from as many of those triggering situations during this time.
I'm so proud of myself. One of my siblings asked to come for the holiday and I said No! because I know how triggering it would be, and how much I would hate it.
antigua
poster:antigua3
thread:869792
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20081219/msgs/870230.html