Posted by lucie lu on December 4, 2008, at 16:18:36
In reply to **Triggering** weekend...., posted by B2chica on December 4, 2008, at 8:23:46
B2c,Well first, lots of hugs OK? ((((b2c)))) And no shame for talking about these things! And you did good by not going along with things you did not want to do. I agree that this should not happen in a healthy marriage. But having said that, let's look at the rest (>90%) of our marriages ;-)
First of all, you said that he would never force himself on you, especially since he knew about your history in that area. I was really glad to hear this, good for both of you. The thing was that on this occasion, he was unusually persistent, so much so that he made you feel triggered. Was he drunk - was this the alcohol? You said he'd been drinking with your friends after you went to bed. If it was the alcohol, then you need to have a discussion with him about what he cannot allow alcohol to "make him do" and that if he can't control his actions under the influence, then he has to control his drinking. That might be tough to follow up with, but at least it will have been said flat out. Do you consider him having an alcohol or other substance abuse problem?
Have you two ever had marriage counseling? You have described serious arguments and disagreements about money, sex, and parenthood, which just about covers what we all fight about with our spouses. (The big three, supposedly, are sex, money, and parenting - although this may have been from Dr Phil, lol) Is he one of these spouses who does not believe in couples therapy? If so, maybe he can buy into the idea if he realizes that some of those issues he's upset about may actually have a chance of being resolved. Sometimes that does it enough for a trial run.
Now for you - I think you need to talk with your T about that happened. His behavior and your responses and feelings need to be dealt with now ONLY in the context of you alone, and that's best done with your own T. You also need some outside support, because it sounds as if your marriage is sufficiently strained that right now it may feel like more of a burden than a support system. You need someone in your corner who's there just for you. Maybe your T can help you work out something where you can continue individual therapy but also some couples therapy with someone else? If your marriage can be improved, it would probably have an enormously positive effect on you and your own need for therapy. (In case you didn't realize and I'm sure you did, because you are a very perceptive woman, b2c, I am in the same boat and that path is one we have recently taken. We just started some couples counseling (I still go to my own T), and I am starting to hope that some of these long standing arguments of ours might actually be resolvable. My DH was for a long time resistant to therapy, couples or his own, but finally gave way because things were getting so hard between us. This is all to the good, that he's agreed to go.
Good luck, sweetie, B-mail me if you'd rather talk off the board (does he read it?)
All the best,
Lucie
poster:lucie lu
thread:866613
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20081120/msgs/866689.html