Posted by twinleaf on November 20, 2008, at 12:48:16
In reply to Re: follow-up..... » twinleaf, posted by Wittgensteinz on November 20, 2008, at 10:04:45
Yes, there were warning signs during the last year. He had been so empathetic, caring and "there" in the years before that. But for the last 12 months or so, he became much colder, and he also became critical of me. Because I was so attached to him- enmeshed with him, really, I ignored all the clear signs that something was very wrong. I felt that losing him would be worse than enduring his abusive behavior. Looking back, that was so clearly the wrong choice! Actually, I knew it was then, also, but I simply couldn't bring myself to face it. There were so many wonderful shared memories of the times we worked harmoniously together. I kept telling myself our relationship would get back to that if I just stuck it out. Instead, it just got worse and worse.
For that last year, there was even a sort of role reversal, with me in the role of the soothing mother, who never brought up anything that might be upsetting, while he was acing more like a little boy having mini temper tantrums.
It wasn't hard at all to get started with a new analyst- I just started right in, gradually filling in the details of my life as I was expressing whatever came to my mind.
You know, Witti, one of the things that's not so good about your situation is that, although he caused the difficulty by acting in a cold manner, he's not willing to talk about it. Feeling rejected by a person as important as your analyst is major, and must call up painful memories of rejections in your childhood. Now, in order to rebuild your relationship, you have to stuff those painful feelings down, because HE won't talk about them. All therapists should be willing to hear everything a patient wants to say- and to hear it hundreds of times- just as long as it's an issue. Not being able to talk about an episode as important to you as this one teaches you something you shouldn't be learning in a therapist's office- that you can't speak up and ask for decent, respectful behavior, and that people who hurt you are not required to own up to it or apologize.. Presumably, you learned that only too well as a child.
It really stood out that your pdoc asked you whether you found your analyst "too cold". These questions never come out of no-where. I'm sure that he must have at least a slight reputation for coldness, in additon to having one for being a very good analyst. Your pdoc has probably heard similiar things from other patients of his.
poster:twinleaf
thread:863604
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20081120/msgs/864205.html