Posted by JayMac on October 13, 2008, at 13:30:38
In reply to Re: I don't know what to do....please help, posted by DAisym on October 12, 2008, at 23:29:44
Thank you, Daisym.
I had a really bad argument with the guy I was seeing. We ended things last night. It was pretty much mutual. But I have to admit that I drove him away. We got close, I got scared, I started a few big arguments within the past week. I suddenly pulled myself away from him. He's gradually pulled himself away from me.I've consciously been testing him again and again and again. Although he's passed many of my tests, I still felt the need to test him even more and find his breaking point. He's not one to get really upset and raise his voice. Last night, he got really upset and raised his voice. I got upset, tried to remain calm. I had such intense anxiety. I didn't know what to do. His voice became background noise, I grabbed a pair of scissors and lightly brushed it against my arm. I decided it didn't hurt too, too much.
We ended our conversation, as well as our relationship. So I used the scissors again, this time, I pressed it into my arm. I made many, many scratch marks on my arm. I made them zig zagged to the left, right, horizontal, vertical, diagonal. At the time, I didn't think it looked that bad. A few minutes later, I looked at my arm, and felt an overwhelming sense of terror. I felt like I was in my own nightmare. But I didn't stop completely. I went back and made more marks. I wanted to see blood. I wanted to feel the pain and the sting.
The other night I gave him a huge list of why we/I shouldn't be seeing him/anyone. He acted as if it didn't matter. I saw/see him as wrapped up in the moment of a new relationship. I want a relationship, but I don't know if I can handle one right now. At first, it was so lovely spending time with him, but the anxiety started about forming a connection. I started arguing over the stupidest little things. I would apologize the next day, but I could still feel he was withdrawn. Then I would start another argument about how I didn't feel like we were/are a good match.
I have so much stress right now. Therapy has stirred up a whole lot!!! Plus, work has become excruciatingly stressful: the demand for performance is getting greater and greater as the economy falls. And then there's school: I just started grad school. Mid terms are coming, I feel ill prepared.
I feel so defeated. I feel so drained. I feel so horrified about what I did to myself. I've self harmed before, but they were places invisible to everyone. THIS IS VISIBLE! There's no hiding it. I want to cry right now. I want everyone to hear, see, know my pain. Up until last night, I pretty much had it together. It was like, all of a sudden, the pain exploded out of my body.
Thanks for asking.
poster:JayMac
thread:857146
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20081005/msgs/857213.html