Posted by antigua3 on October 10, 2008, at 10:11:15
Dinah, I was fascinated about your comment on being a "good enough mother" based on who you picked to be the father of your children.
I never thought of my mother in that way, but maybe I should. In my own life, I know I picked the right guy, even though like your DH at times he can be controlling under stress, which is difficult for us all to take.
But my mother? She would say she didn't "pick" my father; it's something that happened. She was pregnant at 19 and according to her had sex against her will and got pregnant the second time it happened. So she accepts no responsibility for her role in this. Very passive aggressive.
She went on to have six children in nine years. I'd ask her about birth control, but that would put her on the defensive.
Was she a good enough mother? When she was available, she certainly was or I wouldn't be the mother I am today. We definitely had that bonding, but I was pushed from the nest before the next one was born--she sent my brother and I to stay w/her parents and my grandfather molested me. Interesting how we can remember things from so young an age, but I know it's true; it's one of my most distinctive memories.
She also wasn't a "good enough mother," when she asked my father to take over the care of the middle children (my brother & I) because she was so involved with the babies. (My younger brother was extremely ill and in the hospital all the time; caring for him wore her out). That is when the abuse began with my father.
So she was a "good enough mother" when she was available, but she wasn't present very much even when she was in the house w/us. Later, when I was a teenager, and after my parents divorced, she made the decision to send me to live w/him permanently. Another faulted decision.
So, in many ways she was good enough, but she made some horrendous decisions about her children; all of us have had tremendous difficulties, and I wouldn't call us a normal family at all.My mother made the decisions she did, rightly or wrongly, based on her own fragile state of mind. She was wrong about a lot of things and has taken her share of hits from my siblings. I don't feel the need to do that to her; she has suffered enough.
Did she pick my father? No, I wouldn't say so; she succumbed or acquiesed to him when she shouldn't have, but she was young and had no support.
So, any other mother stories out there? And Dinah, if I've misinterpreted what you said, pls forgive me. It just gave me an angle I hadn't considered.
antigua
poster:antigua3
thread:856732
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20081005/msgs/856732.html