Posted by 10derHeart on May 3, 2008, at 20:06:48
In reply to I have three sessions left, posted by 10derHeart on April 28, 2008, at 16:22:01
Sigh.
It's so hard to believe I think I'm denying it quite a bit. Plus, I'm incredibly busy and can't even think about my emotions, which makes no sense, really, but that's how it is. Which seems good, as you can't really pack and clean if you're collapsing in tears many times a day.....believe me, I used to try that method....
And....it's my T's attitude of as much contact as I need and such openness to my level of pain that *is* making this somewhat easier. Like, whatever little reassurance-type things pop into my head that I think will help after next week, he says "yes" to - which still amazes me ("Why is this okay? Why am I this important? Why do you help so much? Why do you care this much?" blah, blah, blah...) For example, I was scared to ask if I could take a picture of him with my phone so I'd always have something current with me, and he responded very warmly and positively "yes, of course you can." Then, I asked if we could arrange a phone call 2 days after my last session, so I can test him to see if he really will answer/call back, if he really will sound like *him*, if I'll really still feel cared about as technically an ex-client. He said (this was email) he knew that I knew I didn't *need* to test him, BUT he was fine if I wanted to anyway, and that he was confident he'd pass that test :-) He was honestly, genuinely fine with agreeing to that, too. Who would want to leave a relationship with someone who cares for you like this and shows such kindness? Not me. [sigh]
He couldn't do anything more, and it is making this better. Or, my denial is strong and I'm going to have an utter meltdown. Or, both.
I told him this past Thursday that two lines from an old Shania Twain song I just happened to hear recently, really sum it up right now. The lyrics are of course speaking about a woman's emotions after the break up of a romantic relationship, as most pop/country songs do, but it doesn't matter - still fits:
"It only hurts while I'm breathing.
My heart only breaks while it's beating...."I've even signed a couple emails to him with that tag line. Why? I think no matter how 'brave' I look I want to be sure he never forgets how much grief I feel at the thought of not seeing him again.
But when I think of the sad, serious looks on his face lately, like when I repeated those lyrics to him, and when I said, "I am terrified of coming here next time. Scared that amount of sadness will destroy me and that I'll never leave your office," well -- I guess he's not forgetting anything.
Thanks for reading. I needed to get this outside of me. Sorry for the hit and run posting, it's all I'm capable of.....
poster:10derHeart
thread:826098
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20080423/msgs/827061.html