Posted by rskontos on April 17, 2008, at 13:40:59
Hurtful. The therapist helped to uncover something I never thought I would realize about myself right now. and it is I think causing me to want to bail on therapy. It makes me very uncomfortable. He is accurate I believe but it isn't a comfortable place to be. I mean besides the trauma to deal with there another thing to deal with that I think is root to why I don't want to do therapy. It would be hard to share it here as well. To admit it in public. I just now admitted it to myself. I have been reading on the site for days, not posting really, just frozen, dreading therapy. I was not myself the first session. I cried and told him I thought therapy was too lonely. He was puzzled by that. I told him why. How coming even two times a week, and how isolated the whole process is, therapy I mean. That to take all the stuff I have been subjected to out, examine it and try to figure out what to do with it what's the point. And then to think that with even two hours a week I can maintain a connection with him enough to help replace the damaged ones from my parents I just can fathom how that would happen and I don't where to start or how I can begin to try. I just don't know how to go any further. In therapy. When I look deeper inside my core being I feel a deep hurt sadness and I am not sure I want to bring it up to the light. I know know who put it there. The parties are for the most part dead and those that are living I am not going to speak to them about it. I know I have walled myself off from people due to it. I am trying to not do that. I know I have fragmented parts to myself due to it. I am trying to blend them. But to go further I am not sure if that would be good or more damaging. I feel the unbearable hurt just below the surface and I am not sure if it warrants coming to light. So I have looked for things in my T to irritate me and found them. But then some things I have told him about my vacation, how I did not miss him, how all my inners let me alone as I was alone for my vacation, all gave him insight into what I have been during for the last several years. And I think he was dead on. And I am not sure i like this new information either. It is not too pretty. so what the heck do I do now. Sit and fight crying like I am doing now. Continue going to therapy and try to get off the fence I am straddling now. I just don't know what to do. So I am looking for input but please be gentle, I am on the edge at this point and ready to flip my lid.
rsk
poster:rskontos
thread:823812
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20080405/msgs/823812.html