Posted by sunnydays on April 12, 2008, at 17:18:55
So this morning my T and I talked about the panicked e-mailing of the past couple weeks where I've been emailing him multiple times a day some days just because I'm anxious. And he said that he wants me to only e-mail him at most twice a week from now on. I immediately looked down and he said, "Don't go where you're going right now, try to keep your head up, that's it, listen to me, I'm telling you the truth, this is not a punishment, you're not in trouble, you didn't do anything wrong, it's just a change in quantity. I've been thinking for a while about this, it's not something I just came up with out of the blue, and I've been watching you and waiting until I thought you were ready. So in a way, it's a compliment because I think you're ready now, and I think the timing is right. I also think it will improve the quality of our sessions, because I've noticed that we talk about something really intense maybe every three weeks, and the other times are more just reassurance. If you can bring the feelings in here instead of siphoning them off during the week by emailing me, that probably would improve the quality."
And I actually feel mostly fine with it. It feels like a big weight has been lifted off me almost, because now I have a number, I know how much I can write, and at the moment I feel freed kind of from having to write anything at all. I don't have to prove to him that I miss him, etc. In the session I kept switching between being fine with it, and feeling really upset and abandoned - the adult/little girl split again.
We talked about it, and I said that I want to feel important to him. He said, "Of course you do. When I go to my therapist I want to be his best client, his most special client, the person he looks forward to seeing. That's some of the transference stuff. And it doesn't change anything about our relationship. We're just changing the quantity of the contact, not the quality. It might even improve the quality."
I said I had actually been thinking that when I move (soon) it might change my relationship with him, I might not feel such an intense need. And at one point I said that it wasn't fair because he could do or not do or say or not say whatever he wanted and there was nothing I could do about it. He said it sounded like I was mad and that I wanted more power, and what would I like if I had more power. And I said, "To not need to email you as much, actually." And he said, "Hmmm. (in the gentle way he has when he's surprised by something I said that I love) It sounds like we're sort of on the same page then, maybe just different paragraphs. And maybe we just haven't tested yet whether you actually need to email me so much or if it is coming from a feeling." I said, "What if I'm not ready?" And he said, "That comes from the little girl place, but if you're not ready then we'll be able to figure that out. But I think you are ready."
I keep getting scared that since he thinks I'm ready for this that he's trying to get me ready to leave. But I know that he said at the end, "This is not me pushing you out of here. Nothing else is changing. You will be ok. Let the adult part of you keep telling the little girl that I'm not going anywhere. I will be your therapist for as long as you want me to be, no matter where you are."
So I have an odd mix of calm, sad, scared, anxious, and loving/loved feelings after the session. It sure was a memorable one.
sunnydays
poster:sunnydays
thread:822921
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20080405/msgs/822921.html