Posted by CareBear04 on January 19, 2008, at 12:14:21
In reply to Re: Completely shut off in therapy, posted by Dinah on January 19, 2008, at 9:53:47
thanks both for answering! i don't know if the problem is that we're just not connecting or whether the problem is all just me. in a way, i think i would feel like questions were intrusive and be reluctant to answer no matter who was asking them. i've never been good at therapy; when i've looked forward to going or left feeling better, it's usually been because the T and I had a routine of just talking about anything-- books, movies, travel... anything. I think I liked the sessions because it was nice to feel connected enough to someone that I would speak freely and he would, too, and not to feel backed into a corner. i guess i didn't have many acute issues at the time, so maybe the situation now is too different. and i think i'm out of practice as far as having real, genuine conversations where I reveal, either through words or expression, what I'm feeling. Most of my close friends are across the country, and I've been terrible about keeping up with them. I'm not close to anybody here, and I can go days and weeks without moving past chit chat. i guess i feel really isolated, and it seems to reinforce itself-- i stop confiding in people and start avoiding situations where I might have to, I get used to keeping everything private, then I feel resentful when my pdoc starts prying and, as the end result, I might just quit therapy. He seems to have set ideas on what should help, but they haven't helped me. A couple of sessions ago, he asked me to recall a childhood memory where I felt really strong emotions. I could think of a couple, but they would require lots of effort, plus animation I couldn't muster up, to explain, so I gave a lame example with very little emotion attached. When he pressed me about how I felt, I couldn't really answer, so I had to confess that I just picked one that seemed easy to explain. He seemed mad at first, telling me I picked a surface issue for the wrong reasons. I finally responded that I didn't want to think about the times when I was really happy because it's so far removed from how I feel now, which makes me feel even worse and hopeless about regaining the potential to be happy again. I didn't realize I felt that way until I said it, but it's true-- remembering times when I was outgoing and popular just makes me feel like that much more of a loser now. anyway, my explanation placated him, but he noted that many patients are encouraged by their happy memories, and that I should think of putting together an ipod playlist or something to remind me of those times. that seems like an example of a connection and a disconnect at the same time, which is, i guess, representative of our sessions in general. but i don't know that i would do any better right now with someone else.
thanks for the suggestion about writing down my thoughts for him. i guess it's an option to consider, although I think i would obssess way too much over it and then want to run out of the room while he's reading it because i'd feel so exposed.
i don't know... i don't think i would be worse off without therapy. i don't have the time or the energy to be established with someone new. maybe i should just go with 20-min med checks?
thanks again!
cb
poster:CareBear04
thread:807534
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20080114/msgs/807631.html