Posted by muffled on December 30, 2007, at 23:00:43
This is crazy Muffleds head.
Sister phone, but I putting kids to bed. She say she call tomorrow. She be wondering I so quiet today. DH come in and say he worry bout me. I say why? He say I not normal, I say wassup? He say...I don't remember but then he gonna go read daughter a story so he goes. So I think to self, what do I say? I can say, ugh, New Years, hate that. Year end, we a disaster in paperwork, that freaking me. I could say, for whatever reason it freaked the total hell outta me this a.m. when you got close. Mebbe its just all cumulative. Just all stuff together. Dunno. Dunno why upset, dunno why ikids around so much. Mebbe cuz my kids around? Mebbe they are triggering to me somehow? I worry bout them. I get thots of what if someone hurts them. My ikids been trying to say stuff, but I don't really listen. I a b*llsh*tt*r, I say OK tell me, or I'll listen, but I don't. I shut 'em down cuz I don't wanna know. I see no point really cuz there will only be incomplete information only. So why I need to know? But they haunt me them damn f*ck*rs. They won't shut up. I still got SUCH denial. And fighting it is hard. Back and forth. And part of me feels so damn disgusting. And I just not really here much, only partly. I dunno why I get such weird feelings. I have a gaping hole in my history, and its bugging me. Then I get these feelings, and I just don't understand them. WHERE the hell they comming from? It is illogical and don't make sense. And I trying so hard to know that it is all one 'me'. But it don't FEEL like that. I was never a child. It makes it hard to understand the ikids. I have no identity other than the present. No wonder we got no family traditions. No wonder I fly by seat of my pants. I am unhistorical. I am only what is now. Other people presumably have this continuity, this sense of being young and growing and remembering stuff. I just have these pieces, and I trying to make them fit together so i can have continuity too. But I can't make them fit. It is not me, it is we, and that is a source of shame. Cuz I not whole. I am just a figment, a piece. Not human, not an entire soul. Just a fragment. Kid can run to T and feel safe, but I can't, so physically kid can't either, just in her mind. I wish I knew what to do. I just don't know what to do. I want to do the things that will make me whole. But as I learn more, I just feel sadder. When I didn't know, I just kinda drifted in my sphere and along I went. Then I had kids, and then I start getting triggered. Then I splitting too much. Then I learning that I split. Then I learning to hear them. Then I learn bout stuff I didn't know. And it hurts me. Parts of me. Cuz I'd made such a nice (fake) pic of the world. But it wasn't real, and it started to fall apart. And I DENY so hard. Cuz on some level I am comprehending that Thatkid is in fact myself when I was younger. "we" are all one and the same. So if those hands did what they did, then it was to this body. The one I live in too. And that kid that gets SO frightened....then that must be MY??? feelings, *I* must have felt that way. The one that is so sad and doesn't understand why....must be me too. Did *I* once feel these things? and if so why? Why?????did I feel these things? If I were to stand back and say to another eg. babbler...well...I would not *tell* anything to another, I think that is a very bad thing to do....but I COULD say.....and in fact have had babblers say this to me....that your body don't lie....that those feelings come from SOMEwhere....But then if it were to be true in any way, then there would be anger. I am inclined to have anger directed in to myownself rather than towards others in violence. I get cranky and nasty, but I don't usu get enraged to others. I have to destroy and defuse anger by hurting me. I can feel pain and its OK.
So here I am.Stuck.
Cuz I dunno whats facts. I proly will never know, cept I guess some part is saying to me right now...'you DO know', and that makes me dizzy. OK, maybe I DO know SOME, but its inconclusive. Whereupon someone says, you f*ck*ng well DO know, you KNOW. Though from my POV its impossible.....this is sick. I gonna go have a bath.
Then maybe, in the new year, I will ceremonially break my fist. And then I can feel the pain. I can be alive. My fist will cry for me. It will be a physical manifestation of the pain of this body. Its the only way this fragmented soul can express it. Disgorge it. Try and make it a little less for awhile. THEN we can accept what is real. We can look a swollen fist and understand its real.
Maybe.
poster:muffled
thread:803346
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20071215/msgs/803346.html