Posted by RealMe on October 10, 2007, at 1:43:47
Therapy different on Tuesday morning. I talked about how my past seems like a million years away right now as if I am looking at a movie and am detached from it all. I can see I am there, but I have no emotion about my past. Don't know if that makes sense, but it is one way I protect myself when I really need to focus on work and cannot allow myself to be overwhelmed by emotions.
One thing I was telling him about was re when I first started developing all sorts of physical things in 2005 and how I was evaluating someone and started to have chest pains and then into my neck and jaw. I finished the evaluation in condirable pain and then decided I better drive my self to the nearest acute care center as I thought I was having a heart attack. I said I did not want to call an ambulence as it would be so embarrassing to be carried away on a stretcher at the court complex. So I drove. My T started laughing and shaking his head and I was laughing as I told the story. He could not stop laughing and I said something to the effect that I thought I would rather die than be embarrassed. Then he said something about it. He got serious and then started laughing again (as obviously I am alive) when I got to the acute care place, they read the EKG wrong and thought they better get me to the hospital ASAP. So, they get an ambulence (my fisrt and hopefully last time in an ambulence), and they are taking me away, and I am saying, "But what about my car?" "I can't just leave it here." They tell me I can and that my husband can get it later, and I am saying but he will have to come in the other car to get this car; thay won't work. So T is laughing, and so am I. I was not having a heart attack, but apparently they did see something, and the cardiologist did a cardiac catheterization. Found no problems with the arteries. Yeah. Turned out to be GERD to go along with my newly diagnosed COPD and then sleep apnea. It was funny, though, and I have never seen him laugh like that. I was just chatting away, and then he says to me that it seems I am feeling more comfortable with him, and I said yes today I am. He nodded understanding. I then told him about an evaluation I will be doing that is so close to home with the persons and events as to be spooky. I almost teared up, and again he brought up about how it is remarkable that I can do the job I do, given the population and my history. He thinks it would be hard for anyone. I had said I miss doing therapy but that I don't think it would be a good idea at this time, and he agreed. That sort of hurt even though I have said it all along. I know I am having too many ups and downs.
So then tonight too after being up since 4 a.m., my women's group was meeting at my house, and I had to get home and get ready for the mostly 7 to 9 get together. Well they did not leave until 10:30 p.m. and I was going Sh*t as I had a report to finish for court for Wednesday morning. I don't like to do that either--have something so last minute. But I finished it, and now I must go to bed. Just wanted to share.
I guess you could say I am in my survivor mode, and T did not try to urge me out of it today, and I am thankful. After therapy, though, I felt rather sad as I was thinking how all this is really impacting on me more than I thought it would--therapy. I don't want to waste sessions which is how I thought of it, but I know that is not true as the way things went allowed me to feel more comfortable with him and less like I wanted to keep him at double arms length.
RealMe
poster:RealMe
thread:788193
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20071009/msgs/788193.html