Posted by RealMe on October 5, 2007, at 19:41:45
Yes Joni, you are correct. My T has no intention of abandoning me and is glad I tell him when I am angry. We talked about my anger toward my father for being physically absent and not protective, and we talked about my mother and how she was not there for me and left me vulnerable to the threat of death repeatedly and her death too. She did some crazy stuff that was quite mentally abusive and that was crazy making. So, in addition to the abuse, there was all this other stuff going on too--no one to count on and looking for affection and started to confuse it with sex from a very, very young age, like age 7 to 8.
He has been giving a lot of thought to my total melt down starting with his comment about "servicing men." He told me he has a patient he has been seeing long-term with severe early sexual abuse issues too, and she said the other day to him something about "servicing men" referring to feeling like she was a slave in a lot of ways. I said she should not think of herself that way, and i explained why and how come it bothered me so much when he used that term with me. He understands now and said he had thought it was a way of describing things given that his other patient talks about being used and abused and like a slave with the term "servicing men." He agreed with me that perhaps she needs to think about it differently.
So then, OMG, we started to talk about how I wanted affection later in life too and would end up having sex with guys even if I only saw them once. I wanted "affection" as a child and got "attention" through sex. So, I told him that no, I had never had sexual feelings for my T from Menninger's, that I had more of a wish for him to be my father. And, my last T, no did not have sexual feelings for him either. Never have for a therapist but did for a nursing staff, and I thought he would keep what I told him confidential. What a duffice. Of course it was shared with the team and my doctor and therapist, etc. UGH.
So, I told my T today that I had been feelign like I wanted to sit next to him and have him put his arm around me and tell me it was going to be okay. Nothing sexual, just comfort, and then I said I got really upset becuase thinking about that, I start to have sexual fantasies about him, and then I got really upset because everything seems to get spoiled by sexual feelings. I said maybe this is my way of pushing him away, getting angry with him, and he agreed. If I get angry, then I keep him at arms length.
He asked me too about Menninger's and what was helpful there, and I said well it was different first of all because I was inpatient to begin with, and what I worked on was integration of the parts and being less reactive and emotional. I said I could go back and see what I did to reign in my emotions, and he said no, that I have become suicidal and he does not want me to get worse. (he said this because I told him that I had thought about going out and finding someone, not my husband, to have sex with. This is not me to do such a thing, but it was on my mind, and he said no. So, I am glad sort of that he is "forbidding me" so to speak. He was very kind too, and he said he was sorry about my pain, and I said I did not want him to feel badly too, and he was surprised by that, and so I don't know why I said this as he is trying to be there with me. I think because it scares me. When I left, he opened the door, and I stayed as wide from him as possible going out the door. I think he noticed. He also said something about my getting angry with him as my way of protecting hime too; not sure I understand that completely, but I feel better after today even though the sexual feelings toward him are out on the table now--so embarrassing.
RealMe
poster:RealMe
thread:787133
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20070929/msgs/787133.html