Posted by Dory on October 1, 2007, at 14:12:00
In reply to Re: horrible things.. triggers and more, posted by rskontos on September 30, 2007, at 18:08:27
> Dory, are you my twin.
Nice to my you twin of mine. :o) i wish it were due to better circumstances. i wish we were twins due to something really fab.
>I didn't think there was another person like this. I have been searching for someone. I thought I was a split person. I have done this too all my life. I don't know how to feel myself now. I can do exactly what you do, turn on for others to help them and then when I am alone I turn off. I am finding it harder and harder to do but then in a social setting I am bam back on. I will even say no I won't go there I will just be quiet me, but nope I am powerless.
yes, you may very well be my twin! That is a very good description.. especially about telling yourself/myself that no, not this time and having happen anyway. You have it described dead on.
>I am wondering if I am a split person. I know I dissaociate because of my childhood at least that is what my T said.
well, thAT depends on what you mean by "split person." If you mean like having an alter or "multiple personalities" (now called DID) then no, you don't, or aren't. The definition of that, if you look up the DSM IV, requires that there be two or more distinct personalities... it means that you don't feel like it's "you" divided into two states of being, it means two people, one you know as you and one that is someone else. Make sense? What you have described, which i identify with completely, is more like two very different states of mind, more like phases of the same personality, but just so far apart in their attributes that even though they are both "you" they are not well integrated. God, i hope that makes some sense. When in the bold-you, you still know it's you, just a louder, bolder and almost out-of-your-control you... and quiet-you is less dominating, so you feel more comfortable with that when you can be there. Neither is ideal nor completely you. YOu are someplace in between... more to one or the other or maybe exactly in between.
i feel like "me" is still extroverted and still determined and has a lot of the bold-me characteristics... but i feel like my temperment is more like quiet-me. Less vocal, more attentive, more openly friendly instead of intense.. i feel there is potential for success there. In the other phases i am doomed. But it's been my T's words which have gotten me to see the potential part and the in between part. It does happen... just extremely rarely.
>Peopel think I like to talk alot, people think I am entertaining but that isn't me, that is the other person like you said the surface person. I understand exactly what you are saying because I do this. I don't want to anymore I want to well I don't know what I want to do.
it can eat you can't it? i know. the struggle to find one's self is difficult... but it is a brave thing to do, and it means you have had a realization that most people never get or turn away from. You should be proud of your inner voice that told you this. It's ok to be confused and afriad... just remember to try to calm your inner self by telling yourself that it truly is brave and it truly is ok. It's a journey. You didn't get to be that way for no reason, and you didn't get that way over night.. so it will take time and it will hurt.
>I can't even clean my house anymore.
clean houses are highly overrated ;o)
>My T has dumped me I think. She hasn't called me back.
i am doubtful on this. It does happen that people get uncerimoniously dumped, but not usually... most T's have the ethics to at least tell you. In fact, the worst cases i ever heard were one in which the T suddenly turned on the client and screamed she go away (ack!), and the other in which the T notified the client by registered mail instead of in person or via phone. i am not certain about this, but i would assume that any licensed T would be required by law to somehow terminate rather than vanish... maybe someone else knows more? i guess it depends on what type of T you have and where you live. i won't see anyone but a psychologist because then i know the level of their traingin and i know the rules they are bound by through the association. That is just me. Many people do well with other types of T's.
>I need to find a p-doc I think. I think I need meds.
why? do you think you have an illness or disorder? i am bipolar II, which means i never get fullblown mania. i get hypomanic and deep depressions. i am also a rapid cycler so it become hard to control once the ball gets rolling. My recent depression has lifted quite a lot so now most of what i get is situational.
can you tell me what makes you feel you need a pdoc or meds? it's ok ifyou don't want to share that. i would imagine the anxiety must be hard for sure.
>But just to talk finally to someone else I am glad I mean no I hate that you have experience this too because I know what you went through to get this way. I would erase that if I could but I do understand because everyday I go through it too unless I hide at home. Wow I am glad I came to this board via the meds board. Please post back so I know I didn't scare you but I am for real. rk
no.. you are not scary in the least. Bmail me. Honestly, i sometimes have fled from people when things have gone wrong.. i feel bad about that... but generally i've gone back and repaired it. If you bmail me i can give you a better idea of the triggers which are hard for me. This discussion is ok.
look forward to talking with you Twin ;o)
poster:Dory
thread:785960
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20070929/msgs/786280.html