Posted by Racer on September 28, 2007, at 12:56:00
The person in question is the daughter of a friend who died a couple of years ago. I've known her for more than twenty years. She only calls when she has another crisis, usually to "ask for help" with something she's already decided is not fixable. And frankly, I do not believe her stories anymore.
Now, if that was the only problem, I'd just budget an hour or two a month to listen to her dramas and make sympathetic noises. But it's not all there is going on here.
My eating disorder upset this woman's mother for years. The daughter had a different sort of ED: she was a compulsive binge eater. Eventually, she went overseas to have bariatric surgery -- here in this country, doctors performing such surgery require candidates to stick with a diet for a while before they're accepted for surgery. Had she done that, of course, her insurance would have covered the expense.
Most of her "crisis" calls are about how she needs to be rescued, she's at death's door, etc. Lately, when she calls me, it's all about how she's lost so much weight, she's at death's door, she needs to be hospitalized for it, she's developed an eating disorder, etc. This triggers me a lot, although I'm not sure quite why I find it so upsetting. Then again, this woman has always had a remarkable talent for saying very hurtful things, out of the blue. She's apparently got another set of symptoms for the other friends of her mother's that she calls.
Anyway, after the most recent call, I wrote her an email. I told her I would not discuss her weight, that I will hang up if she brings it up again, and that she just doesn't have Anorexia Nervosa -- she doesn't have the other behavioral patterns that go along with it. I went on to offer some advice: get an accurate diagnosis, get proper medication for that diagnosis, and get into therapy. I went on to say that it seemed as though she only called when she wanted attention, and that that isn't a friendship. And I followed up by recommending she find a DBT therapist, to learn some interpersonal effectiveness techniques. All good advice, I think.
Anyway, here's someone who really doesn't add anything positive to my life. I feel a lot of guilt, a lot of responsibility, and a certain amount of empathy for her, largely because of her mother. But she brings nothing positive to my life: all her calls do is annoy me anymore.
And I'm terrified that she'll reject me because of my email??? Why? What is my problem? This is pathological, and my T and I can't quite figure it out. My T -- who apparently hasn't recognized my fundamental f--ed-up-ness yet -- thinks it's empathy. She thinks it's because I don't want to make other people feel bad, because I have felt bad. I think there may be some of that -- but there's something much more going on. I'm just plain afraid of being rejected. Even though this is someone I don't particularly like, whom I do not respect, whose company I do not enjoy. What the hell?
Anyone here have any ideas?
poster:Racer
thread:785738
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20070916/msgs/785738.html