Posted by DAisym on August 19, 2007, at 21:23:29
In reply to Lonely and needing a cure, posted by JoniS on August 19, 2007, at 19:10:51
JoniS,
I can't tell you how many times I've wondered if therapy is an addiction - something I need to wrench myself away from, because I want some indefinable thing from it and I'm just not getting it. I'm pretty sure that as I figure out more and more what I want, and I don't get it in therapy, I'll turn around and try to find it IRL. I'll have the support of my therapist as I stop and start and I'll run back to the fantasy occasionally because it is safer to want what I can't have than go try to find a way to get my needs met out there, in the real world.
That doesn't mean your feelings aren't real and aren't painful. Of course you are special to your therapist, which is great and awful too. How can you not want more? And it does seem like that special connection should be the best place to start a relationship. But the reality (which I know you know) is that it would destroy his life - his career and his reputation. So loving someone also means wanting the best for them. And this helps me when I get all caught up in thinking, "who do I think I am to have these feelings for him? He probably thinks to himself,'ewww'" It hurts less to think that he can't entertain the idea ever because of his ethics, not because I'm ugly, or damaged, or oozing neediness.
What to do with the feelings? I wish I knew. Sometimes I let myself love him without judging it and without worrying about what he thinks of this love. It is easier that way. It is "session" love -- and I can tolerate that. Most of the time I just think of him as my safe place and I try to keep from thinking about what else he has going on in his life. I think that is why I hate, hate, hate banging into some piece of information I'm not prepared for.
We've tried to talk about my revolving feelings of jealousy or possessiveness, but I'm so mortified I usually shut down. All I can say is that I know that it all comes from a deep well of need that feels mostly young and definitely wants to be rescued and protected from the hurts of life. Gradually I'm coming to accept that I have to do this for myself, which is heart breaking.
Gee Joni, I'm not sure I've helped at all. I just know how you feel and know how painful it is. I'm trying to believe that it works itself out, and running away isn't the answer.
poster:DAisym
thread:777153
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20070807/msgs/777212.html