Posted by OzLand on August 3, 2007, at 23:11:16
In reply to Re: Therapist, posted by OzLand on July 29, 2007, at 18:37:22
My therapist is trying to "get inside me" more and more so to speak, and I am really uncomfortable. And know it is not in my best interests to only tell him things that I want to tell him and keep from him things I don't want him to know about. But having someone know you better than you know yourself is a mixed bag. Scary as what might he say to surprise me about myself. Oh crap; he has already done that I say to myself.
So, we talked about it today and how it felt intrusive for him to want to watch my favorite Bergman films. He said he would not do it if I didn't want him to, and I heard myself say, "No, go ahead." I told him how I think it is good he gets to know me better than I know myself as how else can he help me to change. But it is scary, and my tendency is to keep him at arms length and to say to myself I can take care of myself just fine. Don't need him.
It is probably true I don't "need" him and his help; I could get by; but I "want" his help now, and so I will try to figuratively "disrobe." Now I have scared myself. I will have to remember that one. Just wait until I get back to the csa, I say to myself. We had just started when the other stuff came up from work. I will try going down that road again, and I won't be so positive I know. Perspective I keep telling myself.
This is why I journal every day; well partly so why. I started to journal in January when I started to consider ECT. So, I have continued with it, and it is very interesting to see the shifts. I am also thinking about writing about my experiences at Menningers as my analyst there wanted me to do. He gave me access to all my records, and I have them all including the nursing notes and summaries from previous treatments. I wish I had done it when my analyst was still alive, but I think he will know somehow that this is the time to do it not back then when I thought I had licked my problems. He knew I had not, and I am thinking now that part of the reason he wanted me to do write about my treatment was to see I was not done yet. Of course he wanted me to publish it too. I have never published anything like that, only academic research. Might be interesting to try.
Oz
poster:OzLand
thread:772451
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20070726/msgs/773844.html