Posted by muffled on July 20, 2007, at 15:05:09
In reply to Re: Its OK » muffled, posted by LlurpsieNoodle on July 20, 2007, at 9:53:23
> I'm trying so hard. I put a rocking chair into a nook and bought a fluffy sheepskin rug for the floor. put in a bookshelf. hung a picture on the wall. I'm too agitated to sit, for the most part.**good that you trying. And mebbe w/time it will be better.
Yeah, sometimes, I used to walk for many many miles...>I wonder down to the pond sometimes, past the fetid pond weed section and on to the part with clear water and less weed. Sometimes I think about bringing a rake and clearing up all the fallen pond weeds that obscure the path. Maybe I can draw little zen garden ripples in the path. But these are mere dreams.
**maybe dreams...maybe not..
>I think I will take a little sketchbook out to the pond and start sketching a bit.
**Oooohhh, now that sounds WAY cool!
> I will go there when I remember to. Sometimes I have to leave because my insides are too much of a ruckus. Don't want to disturb the energy.**S'ok, come when you can.
> > I don't fit in in my neighborhood really either, so I just keep to myself.
>
> oh**yeah, I walked past this guy behind a store w/my kids, he was wacking off rather enthusiastically, I tried to block my dotters view as best I could, she says 'whats he doing?', I say 'well, he sure as hell ain't pissing...!'LOL! So thats why I don't fit in, I kinda rough edged, and its a nice neighborhood...
> :'( I HAVE to call her regarding insurance and many thousands of dollars that I owe her. She sounded genuinely concerned in her voicemail that I shouldn't have to deal with this. business is business, though.
**:-( Now that seriously sucks :-( Does she talk to you at all, or is it all business?
>I hope you're right. But other times I don't want to get better. The illness is this seductive voice that wants to pull me in to madness. Doesn't want help. Wants evil. Wants suffering. Wants to destroy everything that I've worked to create. Scary sometimes. Even scarier that I don't always recognize the normal consciousness from this sick seduction.
**Yeah, that would be an interesting topic. It has been somewhat discussed before. Its a weird thing. I have a part that wants to destroy me.
> I want to stay out of the hospital. If therapist or pdoc brings it up, I might consider it. otherwise, not for me. Besides, in the US, one has to basically be willing to kill oneself to be admitted. If I ever need a break like that again, I'm going to check myself into a nice hotel with clean white sheets. order room service. It will be cheaper, and I'll bring some CBT stuff to keep me busy. And some artwork supplies.
**Yeah...you have a good idea there...Its hard to get in in Canada too.
> Would you mind sitting with me? I'm the worst when I'm all alone with nothing but my spinning mind. knowing you're there would help me breathe.
**Yup I can sit, thats where cave is good, there's little stimulation, and my brain does seem to slow down some. And the air in the cave is warm and fresh.
> I know the place by the stream. When I was younger, I lived near one, it was on the other side of the woods. I could escape (had secret routes that went under the street through the drainage ditches) and there were violets that bloomed there. I'd make a chain. absentminded, and stick my feet in. When I was feeling better, I'd pick a handful for my mom. It made her happy. The moss is soft. like my sheepskin rug. hmm**Oh! Nice stream story!!!!!!!!!!!! Secret routes!!!!!!!!! WAY cool!! Mebbe I can borrow YOUR stream story cuz I REALLY like it!!!
Thanks,
Muffled
poster:muffled
thread:770579
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20070714/msgs/770763.html