Posted by Honore on July 7, 2007, at 13:25:40
In reply to Having a difficult time and T is too kind, posted by OzLand on July 7, 2007, at 11:33:08
Hi, Ozland. I'm not sure what you're ashamed of.
You're having a really hard time, and he's not going to be available as you'd expected, especially as your work crisis comes to a head. It's very difficult to see your T before something that's crucial, and know that you won't be able to talk to him afterward.
Right now, he doesn't know you as well as he will and may be trying to find his footing about your suicidal feelings and thoughts. So he may be reacting in a very caring, but overly concerned way-- but that's really okay. It's important for you to let him know where you are, and for him to make various attempts to learn how to help you through that.
So emailing him-- and regretting it-- and his expressing concern, which I guess you aren't used to, and which you feel you may not "deserve"-- are all part of that. You do deserve the concern, and you need to test, too, how much he can handle, and how he reacts to various things, where his limits are-- all that.
So I know it's frightening-- because testing limits and not knowing a person's feelings about things are frightening. But you aren't doing anything wrong or bad. It's all part of that process. It's good, really, to be taking risks-- even if the minute you press the send button, you regret it, and begin to tell yourself it was all wrong-- and then perhaps to feel panicky about what might happen.
(Sorry to go on so long-- but I'm hoping I'm somewhere near what your concerns are.)
Try to be a little kinder to yourself-- you're been through so much, and really can't expect not to feel despairing at times, and abandoned, and lost. I think he'll understand you better over time-- and you'll trust and understand him better too.
Sorry this is such a hard time though, with his absences and your pressure and concerns at work.
Honore
poster:Honore
thread:768245
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20070628/msgs/768272.html