Posted by LlurpsieNoodle on June 9, 2007, at 21:03:12
In reply to dunno whats wrong., posted by muffled on June 8, 2007, at 16:09:09
> I feel very unsafe.
you're probably about to learn something about yourself. it's going to upset the status quo. maybe it will make you weaker in the short run, but after repairing and rebuilding you're going to be stronger than ever.
> Ikid keeps whispering that she scared.
> Can't think of much.The memories are hiding from you, or you are hiding from your memories. pragmatically, doesn't really matter, but maybe something to think about for the long run?
> Little concerned bout health issues.
oh no. that's too bad. Can I send you some healing energy? the next time you pray, and have an open heart, just pause a moment and feel some rays of healing energy enter you heart?
> Hubby sneaked up on me this a.m.
Well, that sounds unpleasant. I'm such an avoidant person. Husband's mere presence often feels like an intrusion.
> Been some kinda bad stuff journalling, but I deleted it.
> I dunno?
> Phoned T, but gave her some b*llshit story bout dropping something at her office, she say, bring it w/you on Tues.as I not there today.
> F*CK.
> She ask how am I doing? And I say fine. Cuz thats what I do. I just say fine. I could be half dead and I'd say fine.
> I dunno WTF I even want from her? Cept mebbe for her to take care of my frightened kid.Maybe tell her a story. But I kinda hide that from her mostly. I wouldn't allow that. Only in writings do I say stuff.
> WOW.That's okay. The main thing is that you're saying things. One of the T's that I interviewed before moving said "if you write anything, I want to read it. If you make a movie, I want to watch it. If you sing a song, I want to hear it..." I think it helps T's do their jobs. It helps us to do our jobs too. Thinking about this stuff more than 1 or 2 hours a week.
> It just occured to me that I been bothered lately that I am a lie to my T.
Muffled, you are faithful to the cause of increasing self-knowledge. Knowledge of your own self, helping other's discover their selves. That's not a lie at all. You cannot be a lie. The minute you type or say or write something- you exist, and that cannot be faked or forged.
> But I need to tell her that my writings are *real*, and this body and its verbal words(what few I say) are all filtered words. A facade.
> She say, you not as crazy as you think you are. I say to her that I am crazier than she thinks I am.
> But then what is 'normal'? Guess there's no such thing.
> I am embarrassed to let my T hear my ikid, I could talk for her but I way too embarassed. I think I pick up on T being maybe uncomfortable too? I dunno. I NOT supposed to extrapolate what she thinking.
> Mebbe I just scared kid might cry and WE SO NOT allowed that.
> I dunno.
> I dunno.
> I dunno.
> MI dunno either. I'm not comfy with having an inner kid. I know that things are not linear. there are disruptions and ruptures and chasms in my experience. maybe you can talk ABOUT what inner kid is thinking/feeling/afraid of. inner kid is a part of you, after all. you can talk about yourself without talking AS yourself. Start off by talking about this kid you know. and then she'll figure it out. really. She wants to know. the flicker of doubt you may see on her face is your T seeing how scared you are and she wants to protect you from feeling scared. I know *I* would.
I'm sorry you're not feeling safe. I'm going to the cave later on. Last night was bad for me. I lay in bed, thinking about my ceremony (it was yesterday) and the relatives, and thinking how unworthy I was all positive things were tipped upside-down and everything was dark and sharp-edged and scary and hurt. I eventually took a klonopin. I hate taking a f*cking drug when all i need to do is to feel better about myself. i feel like i'm escaping. I couldn't find your cave. I ran around trying to frantically find it. will you put a little lighthouse on the hill by your cave so that I can find it in the fog tonight?
thanks,
your friend
-Ll
poster:LlurpsieNoodle
thread:761879
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20070525/msgs/762064.html