Posted by gazo on May 31, 2007, at 13:57:31
i saw my pdoc yesterday and it went well med-wise and stuff... he talks to me like an equal and has a lot of respect for my intelligence (appropriately placed or not). When i told him i wasn't getting responses on office jobs because of not have this or that software he shook his head and just said "they have no idea who they are dealing with..." That felt nice. When i am working i am very dedicated and i work really hard.
he told me why dr idiot really was dr major idiot. and he gave me a script for a pain med that is also supposed to help social anxiety and some other stuff i forget. Dr major idiot didn't have the balls to give me that med. He put me back on the AD i had been on and at a higher dose. He authorized an increase in the clonazepam b/c he knew i was taking more anyway and was trying to strike a bargain with me. (he knows when i lie too)
he was really good with me and said he hadn't seen me this bad in years... he was genuinely concerned. he said he was surprised i hadn't called him.
then things went bad... i told him i didn't b/c he said something last time which hurt me. Well, lucky me he's had 3 people this week give him crap about something he said off the cuff. His stuff not mine and he admitted that, even said it was hard to admit... but it didn't set a good tone. He said he understood and he knew it would never have bothered me if i had been doing well... he did understand.
but it was too late. i felt like dog poo... nasty dog poo...like in the ruts in your shoe that you need a toothpick to scrape out. (nice visual eh) It had hurt, but i have known this guy for 10 yrs and i know his personality.. he has a heart of gold, but he just says stuff that sounds flippant sometimes. He never means that. i KNOW that. i have KNOWN it for at least 9 of the 10 years. And i know howmuch we are alike and i know how much he has liked me. But did i give him one ounce of credit? nope.
i could tell i had hurt him and i could understand why he would be frustrated even if it is his stuff.
dog poo
dog poo
i obssessed all night long. i cried. i was afraid he was mad at me. i hate hurting people. i got very angry. at myself mostly. hate myself.
more dog poo
so i left a pleading message and he called me first thing this morning. He sounded chipper and refreshed (he asked if i was ok with him eating crackers while i had been there b/c he was starving). He was very kind... he doesn't really do that extra-soft T voice... but he was gentle. He said that he was in no way upset with me, he understood why it had hurt and why i was afraid. He knew it was b/c i was in such trouble depression-wise. He joked that had he been really mad he would have just said "that is something you should talk about with your T." Meaning he would have avoided it. He said it was better i worked through the issue with him.
It felt good, a relief for a bit anyway. i know the fear and obssessing will return and i'll end up calling again over the weekend. I know myself well enough.. but that's ok. It won't be as bad and i know he'll be ok with it.
on other stuff... i also talked to a lady i have confided to in the past, as a semi-friend thingy. SHe has a lot of experience in mental health and knows me well. She was the first person i told about the stuff going on at home after a year of living in silence about it. She told me to quit the job b/c i was not giving myself what i knew i needed, just punishing myself for not being "as good" as other healthy people. SHe said to not take the job with the 12 shifts b/c it would f*ck up my sleep and i am BP in a deep depression. (smart lady) Then she said "Get your *ss out of the chair every day and make use of the resources out there to help you." :o)
She is checking into resources to help people with disabilities find work in supported environments. i qualify due to my BP as well as the increasing physical stuff. Great. Make work program for tards. But she's right. It would make more sense and be more accomodating.
ok. the decision seems to be (at this exact second anyway) that i am keeping the job for a few shifts just to try and see how bad the pain gets. i am about to get dressed (finally at 330pm) and go downtown to meet a lady who might be able to help me. Then I am going to express post my DVD to Aussie. I might even buy me some more daisies and some food.
getting *ss in gear.
poster:gazo
thread:760605
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20070525/msgs/760605.html