Posted by wishingstar on May 29, 2007, at 19:53:04
Just need to type I guess. Sorry if it's random. No real point.
I'm hurting again tonight. I've been doing so well and I'm trying very hard not to let this make me believe the good is over. Everyone has bad days. It happens.
I saw Ginny today. Left feeling like it was a decent, even good, session. But you know what I realized? The reason it felt pretty good was because 1, she didnt do/say anything that felt hurtful, and 2, we talked mostly about issues I felt were relevant to me and where I am today. That's crazy. So it's good just because its not harmful? What about being helpful? Helpful is an entirely different land I havent entered in awhile. She said once I was more stable we'd go back to "the list" I made her once of "the important topics" but now here I am, more stable, still doing nothing with her. I'm in the process of moving on so I guess there's no reason to complain about it, but it still bothers me every time. She'll be gone not next week but the week after.. she mentioned it as though I already knew. Guess she forgot to tell me? Of all her clients, it amazes me I'm the one shed forget to tell, given how sensitive she knows I am to this stuff. But really its more principle that upsets me now. I dont feel particularly connected or attached so it's not a big deal I guess. I just want the old Ginny back.
I see client-who-hates-my-guts tomorrow. I'm sure it's not going to be very pretty.
(female stuff... no trigger though)
I think part of this is hormones. I'll either be getting my period soon (sorry men) or.. eh.. not. Very much hoping I do. Catch my drift? The last thing I need is a child. But either way, I'm sure my hormones are wacky these last few days. The guy is worried as well and has said so but I want him to tell ME it's going to be okay. Of course he has a right to be worried, but I'm the one in greater "danger" here... I know it's my fault but I guess I just want a little understanding from him. Maybe that isnt really fair.I just really have this feeling of wanting to be taken care of. Just for someone to come over and bring me a snack in bed and run me a bath and rub my back until I fall asleep. That kind of thing.
I dont know how to live without depression. I think I'll be in this cycle forever.
poster:wishingstar
thread:760256
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20070525/msgs/760256.html