Posted by DAisym on May 24, 2007, at 23:54:25
Can you believe I've been in therapy 4 years? Feels like forever some days and like I've just started others.
I took my therapist a small gift - he said, "what's this?" with a smile and I replied that I thought 4 years in therapy was worth marking. He said, "that's right! It is our 4-year anniversary today." I loved that -- "our" -- and he liked the gift.
I bought him a book about Shakespeare's writings as they relate to psychology. My therapist is a huge fan, and one of the quotes we talked about today was "my tongue will tell the anger of my heart, or else my heart concealing it will break" from Taming of the Shrew. (My choice, not his, and yes, the title was "discussed" too.[grin]) I told him that Shakespeare left out the key component - having the right person to speak to about what is in your heart. And I told him that I thought in order to reveal your heart, you need to first trust that the person you choose can handle what is in it. I thanked him for being that person for me.
He said he thought that Shakespeare left out another key component. Yes, you should be honest about the anger in your heart. But he said he thought that it was equally important to reveal the love that might be concealed there too. And he said he was glad I trusted him with both parts - the anger and the love. :)
I asked him if he knew he was special. He said, "to you? Yes, I know that." I said, "no, not just to me. As a therapist, you are special." He said thank you and all he could say about that was that he "knew" - he knew how important our relationship is and he knew that he could really hurt me, so he is always careful to honor the trust we've built.
Other parts of the session were hard. We are working on very specific responses for probable triggers when my dad is visiting -- not the least of which is his touching me. My therapist has been absolutely adamant that we try and talk about things and prepare responses, including exit strategies. I talked about this a little bit in the above thread -- but I told him today that I was worried about this enormous need for him. I feel foolish for feeling so disrupted by this impending visit. He asked me to stop judging myself and just admit to the fear and let him help me deal with it. He talked about a strong potential for retraumatization or, flipping out and going off the deep end. And he very gently said he wants to help protect me as much as he can. I asked him if he was going to be mad at me later for all these tears or for being super-dependent. He said no, of course not. And he said I'm not "super-dependent" -- I'm up against something really hard.
I know there are lots of people who don't want to be attached to their therapist or who think a deep attachment may not be therapeutic - for lack of a better word. And I struggle and struggle with all these feelings. But after 4 years, I keep arriving back at the same place. For me, being deeply connected to my therapist is healing. It gives me strength to face things I couldn't before and the connection keeps me steady. Aren't I lucky that he is so OK with this?
poster:DAisym
thread:759374
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20070505/msgs/759374.html