Posted by Fivefires on May 22, 2007, at 19:44:15
I’m a mess. I don’t know if it is because I’ve had breakthrough pain and the meds, or the ‘dissing of me by my family’, but whichever, it is making me crazy!
I’m not thinking clearly or acting myself. I wish I could talk to my P. This is VERY difficult. He doesn’t like start meds via phone. He told me last week he will only be able to see me every 90days now.
Pain so bad today couldn’t go to T. Will call and explain when feel better. I can’t stop crying. I can’t go to ER as will take away cigs once sign me in, not let me go out, and especially once awaiting in bed 'for more hours' and will freak out!
I will call PCP in a.m. re: a Toradol injection.
I’m soooo confused.
I still can’t really understand what I’ve done to make my family so ‘care less’ about me. I took care of my grandmas.. uncle .. all elderly b4 passed away, especially Dad.
Remember I told u what this man said re: my Dad. Said having lunch w/ him few wks earlier and he said he wanted to leave all of what was his to me. Well, when I told my sis-in-law and my mother, all I was thinking was ‘he doesn’t hate me for not being there the last month'. I hate me because maybe he’d lived longer if I’d stayed but crazy Value Options demanded I come back to fill meds. I couldn’t not get meds. I needed them more than ever.
I remember him looking at me as if I were deserting him when I left and I said I’d be back as soon as I can.
I told him privately if anything should happen, imagine me there beside him, holding his hand.
I know it was a mistake to tell any1 what was said to me. It probably hurt them, especially my mo*her, very much. But I was in this sort of shock state and I told them, selfishly, yes, trying to validate, to myself, that he still loved me even though I left just a month before he passed away; that’s what I was really trying to say/do, but the words ‘wanted to leave everything of his to me’, I know now, said something else to my sis-in-law and mot*er.
In this state of shock, and fear I’d let him down, I was so anxious to know that he forgave me, and knowing what this man said, told me he did.
I didn’t want money. I wasn’t thinking about it that way. But that was what the statement meant to the others.
In this state of shock, I made a mistake. It was selfish and hurtful to others. I wish I could undo it.
5f
poster:Fivefires
thread:758926
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20070505/msgs/758926.html