Posted by Racer on May 9, 2007, at 13:58:33
So, in my last session, we talked again about the same things. We talked a little about how I reacted to certain events, which showed even me that I was already primed to go straight to shame by the time I was five years old. (Earlier, but the specfic memory was from about 4 and a half.)
For some of it, I asked and my T answered -- I love that she will give me straight answers, and not just ask something back. Turns out, the things that I felt shame and guilt over, for not being "a big girl" and "making my mother do too much for me," were actually age appropriate. Children of that age don't do those things for themselves. (Cryptic, I guess -- it was my mother's boyfriend saying I needed to be a big girl and get myself a glass of milk, so nothing life-changing. Except that apparently that's not something 4 year olds are expected to do for themselves. I felt ashamed of being spoiled, a baby, and inappropriately dependant on my mother, because of what that man said.) So, getting some objective feedback, from a woman with two kids, helped a little. Although I'm still experiencing some of the guilt and shame, at least now I can get a little more perspective on it.
And even a little more perspective on the whole dynamic, since I know that man didn't like children, and that it affected my mother's interactions with me. She was insecure, and felt as though she had to take what was offered her, and do whatever was necessary to hold on to a man. And I was secondary to that, partly because I was only an extension of her anyway.
The good news from that session is that I didn't break. At the end, I even felt a little comforted, in a weird sort of way. I'm not sure I can quite put my finger on what it felt like, but it was good -- despite how painful it was.
And I felt very, very brave for even attempting it.
Thanks for reading.
poster:Racer
thread:757135
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20070505/msgs/757135.html