Posted by Honore on May 7, 2007, at 15:31:41
In reply to Re: Completely wrung out (long) **trigger** » Honore, posted by Racer on May 7, 2007, at 12:24:22
Well, I know you are-- I know it probably feels all twisted and like there are horrible things inside you. I was feeling that way, so terribly this morning at my appointment. And I was fighting with my T-- and left angry and upset.
And then I don't know why, probably drugs-- but hey, what are they for if not to help a little-- my mood lifted and I feel more hopeful.
I wish I could get to know you better, and we could do things together. I think it's harder if you have a mother who's not all bad-- who kind of pulls at your heartstrings-- and for whom it's easy to feel empathy and remorse at what she's missed out on in life.
But even when she was " right" about you-- she was wrong. Like Mary McCarthy said about Lillian Hellman-- "everything she said [about you] was [wrong], even "and" and "the""-- cause she got the whole thing wrong-- even if the word "manipulate" could be applied to something you did in a neutral and acceptable way-- she was wrong-- cause she wasn't feeling and seeing and nurturing the good you that was there for her--
And it's not because she's bad-- it's because she had her own craziness, that you didn't' cause and you couldn't save her from-- I think in a way that's what I have to grieve the most, maybe you too-- not being able to save my mother from whatever it was that had hurt her so much that she would hurt me so much-- not being able to save both of us.
But that wasn't you, or my, job.
I think it's great that you can begin to say these things-- and I hope you can see how very wrong your mother was about you-- and feel good about that kid you were-- deep down-- and the person you are now, too.
Honore
poster:Honore
thread:756419
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20070505/msgs/756549.html