Posted by LlurpsieNoodle on April 17, 2007, at 20:22:23
In reply to Re: my bologna has a first name... » Happyflower, posted by LlurpsieNoodle on April 17, 2007, at 19:11:16
I ask again. what is this therapy thing all about?
Why do I talk about stuff, and then I feel better afterwards? I just wish it could last all day long, instead of just for an hour or so.
I've got some pretty serious depressive symptoms right now. I'm trying really hard to be myself, but being me really sucks right now. I don't have anything to do besides prepare for my dissertation defense hearing. It's in about 9 days.
I have a lot of it done. And I'm not so worried that they will flunk me. I think there might be some tough questions, but I did my work.
I'm just woorried thst I will go bonkers before then. I am trying to get out of the house a little each day and trying to introspect my suicidal ideation it goes like this:
I feel like such a failure I want to hurt myself.
but you have to defend in a week. you can't do that. people are depending on you.oh okay
then a few minutes later- I'm never going to get all my work done I want to die. I just want to cease existing. You shouldn't want to cease to exist. you have so many good things going for you- loving marriage. financial security. good T, good pdoc, support from friends who care...
i feel a little better
I am so pissed off I want to kill myself. I am just so f*cking angry at X and it's not fair what she did to me. I want to hurt and I want to hurt her by hurting me. but you cant' do that. you will hurt others too. you will hurt the wonderful people who love and care about you
then I feel okay for a few moments
I feel so ill. my headache has lasted for 8 weeks now. When will it stop. the sensitivity to light. the sounds. the tension. the poor appetite. the brain shocks. I just feel so ill I want to die. This life is not worth living. but i have a cat to take care of. his life depends on me. if i go then he will be left all alone and that's not fair to him. guilt. shame
I feel so ashamed of myself. I'm such a terrible nasty person. I would do the most selfish thing in the world for the wrong reasons. I should at least have a good reason for wanting to commit suicide. But you don't have a good reason, no matter how bad you feel at this moment you will feel better at some point in the future. just look ahead to the next appt. with T or pdoc. or the next obligation at work. those things you will get done and you will feel better for doing them and for showing up.
and then I feel better for a while
and then I am exhausted and it's time for bed. I don't know how to calm my mind down and prevent these bad thoughts. They exhaust me and take away my cognitive resources. they make concentrating hard. they make me feel bad all over.
Those are depressive symptoms. now what? will pdoc hook me up tomorrow? I want something good. I have a feeling like the lamictal is going to do some good. since my dose went up I feel better. We decided to accelerate my taper. I will see him tomorrow and he will see that I am ... well... in his office again. why can't I stabilize. This has been a very rocky 3 months since making major med changes. I want something I can stick with. Something that won't leave me fat. something that won't cause me sexual dysfunction. Something that won't cause me to become an insomniac wreck...
And T asks me today- why is it that you feel bad in the afternoon. And I told her with little or no emotion (my emotions- gone. flat.) that my mom used to leave me at school after promising to pick me up. for hours. once, twice a week. wanting to force my dad to pick me up to use me as a pawn to try to teach my dad to be a better parent. but you can't teach someone to give a sh*t for their kid. If they don't feel it, they just won't give a sh*t.
so that's the psychodynamic perspective.
let's see what the pharmacological perspective says about depressive slump happening every afternoon.
see you made it to the end. I'm still here, aren't I? Aren't I? and so are YOU. In better times I would be grateful for existing. Now I feel like I'm on a slow walk to the gallows. A couple of things to look forward to though. like garlic and sangria. a camping trip. moving. so I need to think about those things and not about things like feeling crappy RIGHT NOW. but it's hard. feeling crappy RIGHT NOW.
-Ll
poster:LlurpsieNoodle
thread:750759
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20070406/msgs/750839.html