Posted by littleone on April 15, 2007, at 21:51:12
In reply to Oh God, I don't wanna.**trigger RANT**, posted by muffled on April 14, 2007, at 23:36:09
Hey muffled, hope you're feeling a bit better today.
> I was getting out of the tub and it hit me. I DON'T WANNA. I don't want to let my T see my 'people'. NO NO NO.
I know this is a very real fear. But I also wonder if the reason it is coming on strong now is because your T will back again soon. Your trust levels are down at the moment. Your fear levels may be up. If her absense is coming into play here, just remember that you don't need to expose yourself to her all at once when she comes back. You can give yourself time to trust her again. You can take things as slow as you want.
Also, I wasn't sure about something. I know that parts of you have faxed stuff to your T and you've talked about parts, so she knows they are there. But are you saying here that she's never seen a part out there in her office? For some reason I thought she had, but maybe I'm just confused and forgetting stuff.
> I am ashamed of my weirdness. She gonna think I am SO weird.
She already knows what you're like and she doesn't think you're weird now. She will take everything in her stride and she will see positives in you that maybe you can't. She is not going to think you're weird. Because none of it is weird. There's a reason why you think/act/feel/etc as you do. (And don't freak out because I'm not saying you were abused. I would have no idea about that. I'm just saying that there's something that makes you be who you are. Like how leaves are green because of the chloroform stuff. You just need to understand your reasons for why you are like you are. And cause there are reasons there, it means your actions/thoughts/feelings/etc can be explained and therefore they are not weird.)
> Then EP will come and punish me for not being quiet and saying stuff I shouldn't
Is EP another part, or a real life person? I don't want to push you, so only answer if you're okay with that.
> and now I see what I write and WTF IS this??????????????Why do I write this????????????????????
It's okay muffled. Sometimes journal writing (and babbling by extension I guess) can let out unconscious thoughts. That's perfectly normal and okay and is half the reason why we do it. And if you have parts, then sometimes it will let the other parts say stuff they might not normally say. Just make sure you show it to your T and she can help you understand it.
> And I don't want to go to T but I want to see T. I HAVE to keep her away. HAVE to.I dunno what to do.
Go see your T. Gradually build the trust up with her again. After a while you will see that she is still the same T she was before you went away. You will see that she hasn't changed. You will see that she still sees you like she always did. You can count on her. Just take the little steps. Goal one is getting to your T appointment. Then goal two is to hand over stuff you've written (if that's what you normally do). Then listen to stuff she says and gradually let her in again. If it turns out that she's become horrible and dangerous and nasty and awful, you can always stay away after that. (But I'm betting she won't be those bad things).
>I hope I not like this when the time comes I hope I all just calm like I can be sometimes and no emot and all calm cuz NOTHING bugs me.
I never know what I'll be like when I get in to see my T. Even when I'm sitting in his waiting room I still have no idea what I'll be like once I go in and sit down. Bit of pot luck there. Not sure if you're the same or not. But however you are, just try to accept that that's how you are on that day and that's what you have to work with and try to deal with whatever comes up.
> Muffled, I supposed to be muffled. Now I know why its a good name for me. I just picked it cuz I don't talk much irl. Just fax T.
It's funny cause I was starting to get real used to iwillsurvive. It makes sense though. Now you're muffled again because you have to pull in and hide away and protect yourself from your returning T. Need to stay quiet. Maybe another name you could use would be scaredbuttryingtotrustT.
> I scared I gonna scare my T.
> Then she will run away, and I will know the truth of me, that I gross and bad. She said I wasn't , that its lies. But if she runs away its TRUE.You won't. She won't. But I can hear your scaredness loud and clear. Trust her just a tiny bit to get to your session. Then you can see how to move next.
> I am tired now.
I hope you had sweet dreams.
poster:littleone
thread:749935
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20070406/msgs/750149.html