Posted by gazo on April 14, 2007, at 8:19:09
In reply to Re: let's hear it for self-destruction!! ***trigg, posted by Honore on April 14, 2007, at 5:29:10
wow Honore... i thank you for your honesty. That took a lot of nerve to say so bluntly, and i am glad you did. You are right in a lot of what you say.
i get caught in this circle and can't find my way out. It's patterns of behaviour i learned to cope years ago... but this is NOT years ago. i just seem to not be able to stop it somehow.
the meds... you're right. Either way it comes back to what he said... and i know that in there somewhere he is trying to protect me. He cares a lot about me. Wednesday ws just such a $h1tty appt.
when it comes down to it i am afraid.. afraid of him being right and that the BP is raising it's head right now. It's easy to take meds and admit being BP when you feel in control.
being the bad girl is my defensive mechanism.. i show the world how tough or bad i can be instead of how scared and hurting i am. It's what i do to keep my mind from going there. i have to sometimes because i do not have the skills to go there yet. Drinking or other risk behaviours are DOING something... anything. There aren't too many people who post here who don't have maladaptive mechanisms of some sort.
part of what i say here is in disbelief at how big a mess i am rapidly making of everything. My current situation leaves me vulnerable to bad coping mechanisms and my BP is helping me be more impulsive... not the best combination.
do you think i am faking it? or that i just do it with every conscious intent of making life worse? i'm not mad, i am truly asking.
because it isn't that way. Something happens in my brain and i need to escape.. by the time i realize that it was a bad idea, it's too late. Do you think i "enjoy" it because i do it, or because i post about it?
i am trying to find other ways. Posting here is one, keeps me occupied. i hang out with friends when possible. i write my T.
maybe i should just post less about the negative stuff and just stick to the positive.
i am going to an award dinner next week... being held in part for me. i also have a public event for work that i do... i can't really explain more. But i do good work. i'll actually have to clean up and look respectable! i have to be careful what i say so that i can't be identified. In contrast to the way i am screwing up right now, i have actually worked very hard to build a career and i am in the upper level of what i do. i present next week. Maybe there is a way that sometime i can show you guys without identifying myself.
you're right Honore. i won't post about that stuff any more. All of babble doesn't need to repeatedly hear about me falling on my face again. i'll try to stick to more positive things to post about.
poster:gazo
thread:749671
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20070406/msgs/749715.html