Posted by littleone on April 9, 2007, at 20:28:30
In reply to Re: iwillsurvive... » littleone, posted by Iwillsurvive on April 5, 2007, at 0:34:52
> **Hey littleone, been thinking of you lots as I struggle with all inside.
I’m sorry I haven’t been around more. The need to hide has been very strong.
> *It is hard work. Trying to figger out WTF is going on. Days get all chopped up and confusing. I was reading journal writings and its pretty wacked at times. Kinda freaky...I STILL have part of mt that denys....
I think that whacked in a journal is okay. The whole idea of a journal is that you can be honest and express what you’re going through and spill it all out on the pages. Those words then stay safe and contained there in your journal. Then you can close the book and they stay contained there. It feels good when they’re out of your head. I find it really hard to go back and read my journals (even just stuff from a few days beforehand). It *can* be really freaky. It *can* be really hard on the part that denies.
Recently I read back on something I’d written a few days earlier and logically I knew that it had been written by the teenager (because of the way it was being angry), but it was only when I read back over it that I actually realised it really sounded as if a teenager had written it. I was totally gobsmacked. If you asked me to pretend to be a teenager and write something, I wouldn’t have a clue what to say or how to say it. I have no idea how they talk/behave. And yet my writings were instantly recognisable as being written by a teenager. That scared me a lot. And put a big dent in my denial.
> *yup, almost got my backup person back. Feels safer when she around. Just in case I get too lost, she could mebbe help me find my way back.....
I like that. A T *is* like a guide, helping you find your way. When you feel lost, they always seem to find you and help you back. It’s a nice image.
>> I know it can be scary to think about trying to see your T again when her break is finished. But I can tell you now that she will be there for you like she always has. She will be the same as she always was. She won’t be different. She won’t feel differently about you. She’ll still care about you and will be pleased to see you (I know that can be scary too).
>*EXACTLY what I needed to hear. I will write this down on a paper and read it when I go back to T.
>Part of me is quite secure w/T, but part of me freaking out some. Part of me mad at her...It feels good when you can start to separate the feelings out like that and identify what is going on. And all those feelings are perfectly okay to feel. I bet it wouldn’t even matter if you went into your first session back being secure or freaking out or being mad, or even pulling into your shell. All of those would be okay with your T. She will be happy to see you and happy to work with whatever happens to come forward. I bet she has a big smile for you.
>Right now I am struggling with denial of parts and am being smacked over and over and over again w/proof that they ARE. But I STILL try and deny. And part of me knows they ARE, but part of me says NO, I just being stupid. Sigh.
Sigh is right. I’m still struggling with this same thing. We did talk about it and fought it off, but it must have just been nursing its wounds and lurking in the shadows. Now it feels stronger again and is raising its head again. Fighting the denial brings the rest of my healing to a standstill. Then it’s so hard to build up the momentum again.
Sigh.
Do you think your denial is from fear? I’m not saying it is, I’m just asking if it is. I think sometimes my denial comes up when it seems too scary to admit that I’m pretty f’ed up and that could only have been caused by some pretty bad stuff and then when I try to concentrate on my memories, that’s when denial jumps up at me.
Do you know why your denial is jumping up now?
poster:littleone
thread:746948
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20070406/msgs/748579.html