Posted by peddidle on March 24, 2007, at 15:23:45
I told my T that I have had suicidal thoughts for about four years. She had asked me a few weeks ago if I was suicidal, and I said no. I expected her to ask again the following week, but she didn't. I got this really strong urge to run back into her office and tell her, but I didn't. I wrote her a really cryptic email telling her that she had asked me something that I probably should have given a different answer to, and that I knew I would never bring it up if I didn't do it right now, etc., so maybe she should try her "guessing thing" next time we meet.
She wrote back and said she liked the email, and that she would think about it before we meet again.
I saw her for first time since the email (this was the first week after spring break) this past Thursday. While she was guessing, she kept asking me just to give her a little clue, or hint, or SOMETHING, and I told her I just couldn't. She finally got it, though.
She asked how often (many times a day), if I had a plan (I don't), what I do to stop them (I don't, they just come and go), how I would do it, etc. For this last one, we had to go back to the guessing thing. She got a few of them, but one was still missing that she couldn't think of. I wouldn't say it, so she asked me to write it down. She seemed surprised that I wouldn't even do that. Why does it even matter? I have the thoughts, I don't have a plan, are the specific details really that important? I told her the thoughts aren't like, I want to die, or I don't want to be here; they're literally thoughts about killing myself. She asked if when I have them, if I recognize that they're not really me, and if I'm able to detach myself from them. I told her no, because I know it's still my mind.
She said that the thoughts are part of the constant low-level depression that I have. I tried to tell her that it's not, because I've had them for this many years. They've changed too, when they first started, they weren't so short and quick, they were more, "I really want to die, and this is how I'm gonna do it." So, no, I don't enjoy having these thoughts, but I'm used to them. When I have one, I know what it is, and I know it'll be brief (usually).
She said I was just reinforcing her argument that I should talk to my pdoc about adjusting my meds (I haven't made a change since fall 2004). I keep telling her they're fine the way they are, and I especially don't want to change them in the middle of the semester. I know how bad the thoughts, and dysthymia in general, used to be, and I know it's not nearly that bad now. She said that when you are depressed for long enough, you start to think that these things are "normal."
I know she isn't going to let up about the meds thing. She said it would take A LOT to convince her that this state of mind is normal for me. Translation: NOTHING will convince her. I didn't remember to tell her during the session, but I actually had suicidal thoughts when I was as young as 10 or 11. I didn't recognize them as suicidal thoughts at the time, though. Nothing traumatic happened to me as a child or anything like that, so there was no reason for these thoughts. Will telling her about this convince her that these thoughts are normal for me, or will it just make her argument even stronger?
I don't understand why this can't just be the way I am. Why am I not allowed to be this way? No, pessimism, negativity, etc. are not the best qualities to have, but neither are a lot of things. So I'm a pessimist, it's not good, but it's the way I am...why do I HAVE to be an optimist? If everything could be fixed by changing my meds, what am I even in therapy for? I used to hate going to therapy, I thought I could make everything better by changing my meds. Isn't it good that I don't want to just throw pills at everything, and that I actually want to go to therapy?
Despite how I may have written this, the session was not just one big fight. She listens to me, and tries to get me to see things in certain ways. When necessary, she may argue with me, but it's always in a friendly way, if that makes any sense.
I'm sure this is already too long, so I'll stop here. I would really appreciate any input on this.
poster:peddidle
thread:743732
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20070324/msgs/743732.html