Posted by widget on February 26, 2007, at 7:27:35
In reply to Re: To Daisym: Re: Is it him or me? » widget, posted by Daisym on February 25, 2007, at 20:08:05
Thanks, Daisy. I am going through a hard time now. What you said about your therapist probably not answering a question about your sexual attractiveness except with a question was wise,indeed. In my reading, that is often what therapists do say to their analysands. But, I simply could not leave it alone. I've read voraciously on the subject of transference/counter-transference, the therapeutic relationship, how women feel about their therapist, etc. In preperation for my question to him on Thursday, I did my homework, photocopied papers that assume a countertransference will develop in the therapist in reaction to a strong erotic transference toward the therapist by the client. Some said it would be overwhelming, inducing all kinds of feelings on analyst's part. And, that's what I needed to know. Also, I've read on therapist self-disclosure, when it is appropriate, when it could help and that is usually when the client needs to hear something from the therapist in order to move on. This research was part of my arsenal giving me the moxy to confront him, gently, on such a touchy and personal subject. I can only say that my need to know was far greater than my imagined rejection feelings if the answer was no, I don't see you sexually. Anyway, I found out I was wrong, the truth hurt more that I could have ever imagined. I thought of not seeing him any more, truly felt (at the time) that nothing he could say in therapy would reach me because I couldn't trust him now, etc. I told myself to wait and see how I felt later.
Why do I feel I can't trust him now? Its complicated as usual. It's because he has been so warm, kind, caring, sensitive, unbelievably understanding, accepting no matter what, that I could only imagine this was love. If not love, then at least he might think of me as sexually attractive and that would be something to hold onto, not to act on. And, it was SO important to me. And, I know that is what I need to be working on in therapy. But, the child in me says, Gee, would that have been such a big deal for him to have had some automatic sexual reaction to me, one that occurred spontaneously, was noted but not dwelled upon before he moved on. It would have been a scrap I could carry like a talisman.It would have meant everything.
One last point. He said "I don't go there", meaning allowing himself to view a patient as anything but a patient. This greatly confuses me. Isn't this repression of emotion? Isn't that what we are in therapy to deal with and resolve? But, on a more human level, isn't it just natural to appreciate the sexuality of another person rather than negate it as if it weren't there? Don't we all, ALL, have such reactions to others, people we see on the street or ocassionally talk to, or even know better? And, that does not mean we act upon these feelings. I thought that was what made me human.
And, if he can deal with me in everyway, why can he not deal with my sexuality which is an integral part of me? I am not sexless. I am a woman, does anyone notice? Wow, this is long one. I hope someone can respond to me a I AM CONFUSED!
Lost, Widget
poster:widget
thread:735515
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20070215/msgs/736360.html