Posted by bent on February 8, 2007, at 10:41:41
In reply to pushing and pulling on therapy, posted by bent on February 7, 2007, at 15:11:49
I wrote this to my T. I just dont know if I should send it or not. I dont want to be confusing.
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Apparently I have resorted to letter writing. My attempts to write anything recently haven’t gotten me anywhere. I’ll see how this goes…I’m confused, upset, sad—the list is long. And while usually, or at least with a few tries, I can explain it to you, recently I just haven’t been very good at explaining.
I know I don’t help myself any by avoiding stuff or trying to push it away. I don’t think I have ever tried to push you or our relationship away as much as I am right now. And I think this is where I am getting tangled in trying to explain. As much as I want to push you away, I am also afraid I’m going to succeed at it. It’s like I’m trying to get rid of something that I am scared to death of losing. I don’t get it. There is something so hard and painful about our relationship right now and I don’t know what it is. Sometimes I am afraid to come to our appointments but then an hour later it hurts to leave. I will feel sad, like I miss something or miss you, but how can that be?? That doesn’t make sense either. These are the things that, when I am sitting with you, seem irrational, and I feel foolish or embarrassed to even talk about. But later these are the very things that seem to hurt. The things that tell me to keep pushing all this away—then it wont hurt so much. I should know better, I know.
So then I think, is this even healthy? Should this be so distracting that I am sitting at work writing a letter to my therapist because I’m upset? I’m not saying I have completely disregarded my job because of this- I don’t exactly have a full day today, but still.
I’ve been debating since about 30 minutes after our session yesterday whether to call you. As much as I want to, I have no idea what I’d say….That I want to quit therapy altogether? No, I don’t think I can do that. I mean at first that seems like the answer to me but it’s also what I’m afraid of. I could say I want a break. That seems easier and less permanent, but still difficult. I don’t know how to let go. I don’t know if I should even be worrying about letting go. That’s seems to be the question I find hardest. I can’t write it without crying. How am I ever going to let go of this?
Of course, I’m thinking of other times I’ve fallen into this push/pull rut, and how usually there is something else going on or contributing. Even though right now it doesn’t seem like it, I know that this only minimally has to do with ‘you’ and ‘our’ relationship. That really doesn’t help how I feel right now. I can only think of a few things that might be a source of conflict or something I’d rather run from. They might be a stretch but not something to get into in a letter.
So now I am wondering what to do with this letter. Bring it in next week and read it like we have others? I really don’t think I can wait until next Thursday. Maybe I will call. Or maybe I’ll mail it. Then I won’t avoid it. I’ll think about it.
I think I do want/need a break. Maybe. I’m hoping you can help me figure out what might be best. As much as I want, yet don’t want a break at the same time, I think it may be best for me.
If I have mailed this and you’ve read this far, thank you. I know I have pushed & pulled and loved & hated our relationship many times over the past few years. I just want you to know I am always grateful for your patience.
poster:bent
thread:730852
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20070203/msgs/731091.html