Posted by Tamar on January 19, 2007, at 19:19:10
I went to therapy this afternoon. I’ve had a few really hard weeks of paranoia and irrationality. But last week my therapist made a special effort to talk about me to a pdoc who has expertise in diabetes, to ask for some advice (which was very helpful). He also talked to my GP about a change in medication. So it feels again as if he cares about me.
So today I tried to do some ‘real’ therapy and talk about my feelings for him. I told him how frustrated I feel when I tell him I want reassurance or comfort and he ignores or dismisses it. I told him it’s happened over and over. I told him I’ve tried to talk about it before but he always closes down the discussion. I said for a while I thought it was because he felt it was disgusting in some way, and then I came to the conclusion that I didn’t matter enough to him to be a source of disgust, so now I think it’s a theoretical thing, but I still don’t understand it and it drives me nuts.
I also talked to him about my paranoia over Christmas; how I’d seen that he was at the office when I thought he wasn’t working, and how I’d had all these irrational thoughts that he was lying to me. I said that I’m not accustomed to paranoia and I didn’t know where to locate its origins. Then I gave him the finger.
It was so strange. I saw my hand move into a position that looked as if I was giving him the finger, and I quickly brought my arm down to my side. I knew I hadn’t meant to make any particular gesture, so I thought perhaps I’d gotten away with it. I finished my sentence and waited, and he didn’t say anything for a little while.
Then he said, “Maybe I’m over interpreting, but it looked to me as if you gave me the finger.” I blushed long and hard. It was so obviously a kind of Freudian slip. We talked for a bit about unconscious reasons why I might have done it, and I had to admit that it might have been partly a distraction from the conversation we were having, or a way of establishing distance between us. And, weirder still, as it was happening I distinctly noticed that my hand looked like my father’s hand.
I’m still feeling embarrassed, some time later! The idea that I’m not in complete control of what I reveal to him is terrifying. But on the other hand I console myself with the knowledge that it might have been worse. At least I didn’t flash my boobs at him…
poster:Tamar
thread:724166
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20070119/msgs/724166.html