Posted by ElaineM on January 4, 2007, at 20:26:51
In reply to Re: Elaine, How are you? » ElaineM, posted by MidnightBlue on January 4, 2007, at 16:18:05
>>>>>There are times I haven't felt safe on PBabble. There are several boards I either don't read, don't post on, or read and post on only when I'm feeling strong.
That makes sense. [and I'm sorry you don't feel well either - it makes everything so hard] I feel that sometimes, but it's more like I feel scared typing myself, rather than reading others. I mean, the reading of stuff (if it's something I find upsetting) can upset me. But usually it's about letting other people know things about me, and how I feel.
>>>>> You don't contaminate me.
You're not the only one who's told me that. I try to believe that - it's just hard. [At least online stuff lets me not worry about how, and the way, I think my physical appearance contributes to offending others - BDD, not EDthing] I really have to repeat that to myself when I'm suppposed to talk to LadyT - when we email. I'll try and remember that you've said that.
>>>>It is MY choice to reach out to you... Sometimes when I don't post it is just because I am dealing with a lot myself it has nothing to do with you or anyone else.
I know - I think. I don't think I project much - outside of the idea that I feel like I infect those I'm around, and think the world feels the same. It took a few years of basically living with a bunch of T's to learn it, but that's always been one of the few pluses I ascribe to me having developed an ED. Lets me believe it had a purpose - other than destruction. Plus I still have binders of their lecture notes to read if I ever forget :)
Part of the problem too (about why I find it hard to update) is that I'm always behind on sending replies off to T. It's hard to write here, or anywhere, when I feel bad about not being able to summon words for him. I think the feeling of obligation made me stop being able to write him as much. Maybe that guilt carries over to writing here now. I don't know.
Part is also that I can't see a point in sharing sadness. That it can't really do anything - if not only suck the "happy" out of everyone else. I always feel like it's my job to protect not only me from people, but people from me.
But I'll remember that when you offer an ear, you mean it. I'm sorry if I've seemed more defensive - I know I am, and it's still growing. I can't help it, but know that it's just something I'm going through inside.
thanks MB
blove El
poster:ElaineM
thread:718609
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20070103/msgs/719411.html