Posted by LittleGirlLost on December 28, 2006, at 22:40:15
In reply to Can I share something with you?, posted by LittleGirlLost on December 28, 2006, at 15:06:04
GRRR! I just posted a long response and somehow ended up losing it! Let me try to remember what I wrote... (ha!)
Anyhow, I wanted to thank you all for responding to me so kindly. I was a little nervous sharing something so personal to me and not knowing how it would be received especially since I don't participate much.
I'll try to respond to you all as a group:
Yes, getting the card was awesome! It was my first official Christmas card since last years was more of a thank you. The only other card she sent me was a graduation card. But she has never signed them "Love". Honestly, for a second I thought, oh shoot, she made a mistake! But it made me stop and think that these T's really do care about us, and this was just what I needed to see. She is very careful with boundries and things she says/does and thinks about how they will effect me, so I know she thought this through before writing it. I wonder *what* the thought process was <g>, but I know it was a thought process nonetheless, and a good word choice on her part. I've picked it up to read it a whole bunch of times!As for why things have been hard...
Just a combination of things... a build up of things I've been fighting. I feel guilty for feeling so miserable around the holidays, but I can't help it, and I'm sinking. I feel useless and hopeless. The days leading up to Christmas were especially hard as it was the anniversary of my grandmother's death on 12/22. (She was very special to me and kept me safe.) Her funeral was on Christmas Eve... How do you get that memory out of your head? Especially when it was never addressed? How do you not tear up when you hear the first Christmas song of the season because it reminds you of the radio you got that christmas, the day after you burried Nana? My family is so dysfunctional anyway; we never talked about any of this.
And therapy has been hard. Fortunately we haven't had any breaks around the holidays, but just leaving each week is hard. It's so d*mn hard to leave sometimes, I don't understand why I subject myself to the pain each week. I just want to cry; but I'm still afraid of that too. Tonight is one of those nights. It just hurts so much. I want to go back already... I know I can call tomorrow, but even that seems so far away now. I miss her and I'm starting to feel little again.lgl
poster:LittleGirlLost
thread:716976
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20061210/msgs/717153.html