Posted by wishingstar on December 23, 2006, at 23:11:18
In reply to Re: oh wow... laurie called » wishingstar, posted by Poet on December 21, 2006, at 18:28:47
Sorry for not getting back sooner.. I left town and am now at my parent's house for the holidays so things have been a little hectic. I''ve also pretty much shut down my emotional, feeling, thinking side for now, until I leave here. But I'd like to tell you what happened with Ginny.
I did tell her. Not quite as I'd hoped, but the message got out. I had trouble bringing it up at the beginning of the session because she was just a whirlwind of questions and it just didnt fit, but finally I worked it in. Unfortunately we only had about 10 minutes left of the session.
First I told her that I feel like I'm being 100% cognitive with her and not being emotional or real at all. She said she knew that's what we'd been doing, but she hesitated to push for emotions too hard because as she said, when people are really fragile it can be too much, and so its often better to stay in the cognitive. I had a major emotional reaction to that - Anne used to tell me I needed to stay in the cognitive all the time, as did my parents growing up. But I let it go because there were other points I wanted to make and there wasnt much time. I told her staying congitive makes me feel worse and she said she can push more for emotions and we can talk more about that. I did mention how the feelings are getting similar to how I felt with Anne. That was all good.
And then the scary part. She also said that it may be that our styles dont match. She said that she doesnt mean than I need to start looking for a new T or that she thinks it wont work, but if that becomes the situation in the next few months, that's okay and we can talk about me going to someone who is a better fit. Internally I just fell apart when she said that. She was trying to be very clear that she wasnt kicking me out or anything, and I hear that... but why did she have to say that? Even the tiniest idea of trying to start over again, being left again, is absolutely devestating. In fact I'm almost in tears writing this. I know it's always an option, I just wish she hadnt said it. Especially right before the break.
She'd also made a passive joke/comment earlier in the session before any of this came up. One of my issues is that I dont have a lot of support or relationships outside therapy and have a hard time seeking them out. She said jokingly that sometimes she thinks it'd help me if I couldnt do therapy anymore (or something like that) so that I couldnt rely on it and would find support elsewhere. I very quickly told her that I think I'd just isolate even more then, and she said she knew and she didnt really mean it. At the time it didnt really bother me, but along with the later comment...
She did hear what I was saying and she seemed very open to it. I told her that I cant really be too direct because it's too scary, but I think just saying that was positive. She said she's open to hearing what I need. That's positive. But truthfully, most of what has gone out the window once I heard the "moving on" words. I feel myself pulling back emotionally from her. I can almost feel the bricks of my walls going up. I know that isnt helpful or even rational, but I dont know how to stop it. Overall I guess the discussion went well, but I just cant stop focusing on that one part. It hurts a lot. If it comes down to it, I'm not starting over. I'm just done. There is absolutely no way I'm starting over again in the next few months.
At the end of the session she asked me if I was okay with the conversation and I said no, which is unusual for me. But of course we were out of time and what could she do? I will talk to her about it when I go back after the new year, but for now, I'm just scared and shut down.
poster:wishingstar
thread:715051
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20061210/msgs/716045.html