Posted by muffled on December 18, 2006, at 23:07:34
In reply to Re: Great! Getting LONGER....... » muffled, posted by littleone on December 18, 2006, at 19:39:31
> You are doing very well muffled. They are very good things to recognise. It sounds like you are recognising it just at the stage where you start to dissociate. Keep working at this. After a while you will learn to recognise it coming on sooner. I think that as you work on this more and more, you become more adept at learning to see what’s happening.
**Thanks for the compliment! Its good to hear from someone who's ahead of me. You have NO idea,.....or mebbe you do? But this is SO useful to me. And my T too I expect. I am SO bad at describing and explaining stuff.
>
> And if you have strategies to try out as soon as you feel it starting like this, then it should become easier to pull out of it. Perhaps it would help to write your list of strategies and give a copy to your T. So if you have trouble you can send her a signal of some sort and she can help remind you of your strategies to try.**Thats what I gonna do for sure. I think? that mebbe one time we did talk bout a signal or something? Not sure. But I proly couldn't have anyhow, cuz I totally couldn't have recognized to say anything until too late...
>I’m not sure if you have a hangup over moving, so if not, you may need to move more than I did. Like I imagine that standing up would work very well, but then I’m not sure if that’s too scary for you (or just too hard when you’re zoned out). Perhaps it’s more about finding something that you can focus on and that helps you feel your body. I’ve heard that textures work really well. So perhaps you could take something rough or smooth or furry or whatever to your session. Then your strategy might be something like: reach into bag and pull out pebble/sandpaper/stuffed toy/fabric swatch/etc. Look at item and feel it. Stand up when able.**Yeah, i try hard not to be noticed, but I not totally freaked by it though. I rarely look at my T, and I don't talk much, so I think its hard for her to know if I've blanked. I'd be kinda feeling silly bout my rock, like it would make me noticable or something. But I reckon if it was in my pocket it would be OK. I have this THING about appearing weak...
>
> I know that I would never remember all that once I got foggy, but if I just memorised that I have to reach into my bag, then I think it becomes a little easier to do that when you need it.**yeah, once I get too far, its hard to do anything. Sometimes I kinda gone, but I can still hear and even answer sort of, and I am just aching for my t to help me come back, but I can't seem to say anything bout it, I just keep drifting, and she keeps talking, and I get farther and farther away, and I just wish I could say something, cuz I KNOW it happening, but I can't stop it...
Hey, I know, sometimes I close my eyes, to shut out the strangeness and try to come back. Its hard for my T to see my face, but if she sees my eyes closed. THAT can be a signal, cuz I KNOW I've closed my eyes B4, I know I can do THAT. Hey cool.
>
> I think your strategy will need to be very personal. Only you know how much movement/focus/etc you are capable of when you blank. And you may find afterwards that you need to refine it. Like say you picked something smooth, you may find it doesn’t bring you back – that it actually encourages you to dissociate further. You need to find a strategy that works for you.**Yeah, guess there's no magic answer :(
Gonna have to figger it out.
> You’re probably right. I guess it comes down to recognising that foggy/blank provides safety. It’s only once you start staying un-foggy/blank sometimes that you start to learn that your T is safe. That talking about bad things can be safe. That there are ways to stay safe without retreating to the blank. It’s hard to let go of a safety net without knowing there is another one in place. I think this just built up gradually for me.**Yeah, I start to trust my T, but then I get freaked and don't anymore...
I think my little ones don't feel safe.
And not of just T, but of other parts of me :(
Guess i don't feel safe either really.
SH*T.
> There’s the things I put in sunnydays’ thread.**Yup, it was good, I read it thanks.
> It helped me to learn that no feeling lasts forever. Even the very worst and scary ones. I had to be mindful of this, so every time I realised a feeling had passed, I would use that to remind me that no feelings last forever and to build up proof of that. I had to learn to believe that to make it safer to feel.**Yeah, I just starting to beleive that. I HAVE noticed it a few times now. Consciously noticed it. My T reminds me regularly, when I having a freak, that they pass.
> I find safety really hard to think about and build up.
**Sorry. I hope none of this is triggering to you? I'm very sorry if so. You have already given me much, so you don't have to answer nothing. I just so greedy for info I guess, cuz its not like I can talk to alot of people bout this y'know?
> - sitting facing the door in your T’s office
*Definately. I sit closest to the door. In fact, first thing I do is drag my chair closer to the door.
> - adjusting the lighting in your T’s office
*Wish we could do something bout that :( Its horrible flourescent lighting. YUK.
> - altering seating arrangements
*yeah, the chairs got arms, which I sorta like, but at the same time they are restrictive to a fast getaway....
>
> But none of these were things I could ask for or do.*:( How come? Is it the noticing thing?
>
> I think my T very quietly tried to make things safer for me. But it wasn’t until he made the idea of building safety really explicit that I was able to even think about this.*Awww, nice T :)
Now thats interesting...the explicitness of it was important. Hmmmm.
> - we played cards for a while to try and help me feel more comfortable.*Yeah, we do readings first thing and that helps most times
> - I’ve always felt exposed and on display in my chair, so we worked up to me sitting on the floor. Then he sat on the floor with me, but started to get a sore back from that. So he now sits on a low box in front of me on the floor.
* That sounds a little scarey to me. Cuz he'd be higher than me, over me, on that box. Is he a distance away? But that floor idea sounds cool. Dunno if I could stay on floor long either, but what an appealing thot.
> - I have notes from him that help me feel safer.
*Actual handwritten notes? Nuther good idea. I save voicemails. But for some reason they have to be reasonably 'fresh', or they don't work! Dunno why?
> - he allows me to come to sessions hours early if I want so I can relax and feel safer in the waiting room.
**Yeah, I hang out in the parking lot, then go into the blg. hallway, then make my way to the waiting area...in stages.
Sometimes I just wait outside and T comes to find me.> - I know that I feel safer with routine, so there are aspects of our sessions that are the same every time.
*yeah, I think mine trys to do that too.
> - I know he is constantly doing a very tricky balancing act between allowing me to feel safe and challenging me. I think he is very good at this balance.
**I think my T is a little lost there....She was always afraid to challenge me, even when I told her to. But she does do it more now. And I love it when she does, cuz then its like mebbe she more trusts me not to freak out. And if I do, that i'll get thru it relatively unscathed. Its more like she gives a sh*t too when she challenges me. I had a very apathetic mother who rarely challenged me, if ever really. I don't think either of them did, they were stunningly ignorant of my behaviors...
But I guess there IS a risk too :( and mebbe thats what hold her back :(
But I don't want to live like this no more, so I guess i gtot get down to business.> - He gives me time to think and time to work up to saying stuff. This makes it safer for me to try to work up courage to say stuff.
**Yeah, thats good, like you said, sometimes it takes awhile to come up w/th thots, then to make the words, then to actually speak the words...it can be quite a process....
I think my T tries to save me by talking away. I seem to have that effect on the few T's I can remmeber. I dunno who I even am in T? I wonder if its a younger state that shows thru, hence the T's wanting to make it easier for me?> - I think that him making his acceptance of me very explicit has helped with safety a lot. Made it a lot safer for parts to talk to him.
*Yeah, my T is pretty good at that. But more jaded parts of me are inclined to think she is unconditionally accepting cuz its her JOB to be....that noone could actually truly know me....and still accept me...this does not compute...
> - he has never ever gotten mad at me. That has been vitally important for me.
*Sigh. I made my T mad a time or two. I understand why, but it really did affect the kids of that I have no doubt. Made them feel they were bad, that she thot they were bad :(
I don't think she actually admitted to mad, but I could tell, one time for sure.> - I take my little stuffed bird and hanky and comfort book to every session.
*I take my knife and my cell phone(has T messages on it), and wear big boots usu.
> - I read my little fur story book before sessions in the waiting room.
*I listen to songs, mebbe I should try a book...
> - In the waiting room I flick through a book I have of very beautiful landscape and nature photos. And it has really healing quotes throughout it.
* :)
> Yeah, mine is really automatic too. Have found this very hard. Still do. I think I try to recognise that I’ve cut off and then force myself to look at what the issue is or what the feeling is. Except even that is very very hard. It’s like forcing someone to turn their head around to look at something, but they still keep their eyes tightly shut.
**EXACTLY
>
> I think the forcing isn’t helping me.*Hmmmm.
>
> I think this is where caring for parts helps. Being patient with them. Helping them feel safer. Using other methods like painting, drawing, etc.**I have parts that are resistant to my helping the younger ones. I don't know why. VERY resistant. I really wish I knew why? They get really mad when the younger ones try to actaully say something.
>
> I think also that I would work on *thinking* about understanding why I cut off. Identify which issue upset me and then think about why it is threatening. It’s like the thinking still keeps me separate from my feelings, but at least I am doing some work on the issue. Just gradually build up to being able to feel. Not sure if I’m making sense now.**I think I know what you mean. I call it going into 'scientist mode'.
>
> > Would it be OK if I show this to my T?
>
> Go right ahead.
>
**Thanks so much littleone, this is great. You've given me a heads up. I been feeling really stuck. I think this will help.
Take care,
I'm so glad for you that you have been able to make this amazing progress.
Sometimes I a little competative, so if you can do it, I can do it!
Oooops, my competativeness is showing <blush> :)
Muffled
poster:muffled
thread:714598
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20061210/msgs/714928.html