Posted by LlurpsieBlossom on December 14, 2006, at 18:56:04
In reply to Why? ** 'hater' trigger** » LlurpsieBlossom, posted by muffled on December 14, 2006, at 18:10:20
> > So here goes:
> >
> > There's the perfect. The one that is agreeable, and gets good grades, and knows how to cook haute cuisine for company, and plays violin recitals in ballgowns.
> >
> > There's the angry. The one that is so outraged and upset and angry that she wants to destroy everything in her wake
> >
> > There's the weak. The one that is vulnerable and small and needs to be nurtured and nourished.
> >
> > There's the hater. The one who hates herself and loathes herself and wants to destroy herself.
> >
> > she said "integration" ugh. yuckiepoops.
> >
> **Tell her NOT to say the I-word if it upsets you.
> I had a question re: the hater.
> Why a hater? I have part of myself that wants to destroy me. One way or another. But the motivations for this hater seem mixed. In its purest form, it just loathes me, thinks I gross and should be destroyed for that reason. But I don't know why?
> Do you know why with yours?
> Your awfully good at figuring stuff out it would seem.
> Far better than I. Exponenetrially better than I.
OMG. you are SO wrong muffled. You know a lot about a lot. You're just not getting that sense of "Ah HAH!". The truth is that your gut is very very savvy.I will also have to tell you that I learned a lot about ME from people like YOU. so take that!
> If it weren't for the munchies, I'd take that seroquel.
> MuffledOkay. today I started off the session calling her bluff on the "integration" word. She saw my skepticism and said, how about if we think of it like a bringing-together, or a gathering? I said, I'm not really sure about it. I'm not sure if it's chamber music, or an orchestra with a conductor. I don't know if it's helpful to think about these aspects as separate identities, separate persons? like students in a classroom all facing the chalkboard and seeing the same thing, but different thoughts going on in their little heads. She said we'll think about this, but for now, just keep in mind that different parts of you react to situations in certain characteristic ways ... (I was kind of zoning out... sorry.)
Okay. here's one possible (and very artsy fartsy psycho-babbly) take on the HATER.
My mom is a very very sweet caring loving mom. When she remembers. She forgets though. She forgets that I exist and that I'm dependent on her (as a child). So when she gives me the love and the promises, I feel her love and I really really want to believe her promises. The HATER hears her love and becomes cynical, malicious. The HATER whispers in these moments of tenderness "but remember the time that she...?" Then weeks go by, and the sweet tender mom is a fragile memory. The stressed angry mom is ever present, and my gift to her is to calm her down and get her out of danger. Meanwhile, the HATER reminds me of her earlier promise. The promise of love and care. The moment when I believed her with hope in my heart. The HATER tells me that I don't deserve that love. That she's forgotten about me. That I'm THAT insignificant.
To remind Mom of her promise to love me and take care of me is to cause that sad look in Mom's eyes, when she realizes that she failed. I would rather do ANYTHING than make my mom feel that way. I would rather die.
The HATER tells me that dying is an acceptable solution to an unacceptable situation. The HATER asks for the death penalty, because I wasn't good enough for mom to remember her promises- even basic promises like food and shelter.
MEanwhile, the PERFECT reminds me that I have promises to keep, places to go. That I cannot disappoint my 2nd grade teacher, or my therapist, or my friends, or indeed, even my mother. Unbearable guilt and shame.
An awkward compromise is worked out between the PERFECT and the HATER. Punishment is limited to psychological assaults on my self-esteem, self-induced ostracism, and hurting my skin, inside and out. And life goes on...
I'm pretty satisfied with that interpretation. Now I need to figure out how to get out of this cycle. Tough, huh?
poster:LlurpsieBlossom
thread:712926
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20061210/msgs/713723.html