Posted by Lindenblüte on October 30, 2006, at 21:03:12
Husband and I had a conflict. verbal conflict. over money. i was not convincing him. He was not convincing me.
After about an hour of petulant bickering, I removed myself to the bedroom. husband followed, his point apparently unresolved? brief moment of terror/fury/angst. surely less than 100ms long.
After another 20 minutes of the same conflict, I realized that if I closed my eyes, I could continue to "discuss" without creating a major conflict out of this.
Now my eyes are closed. my mouth is moving, saying what I hear as reasonable arguments for and against my point. I even use dharma. yes. in my dissociation, the Buddha's teaching came to mind. And everything was very far away. husband was removed. 4 feet became 20. my own voice disembodied, as my body shrank. smaller and smaller. and then i decided enough is enough
I pulled the covers over my head.
husband left the room.
i removed myself to a tiny corner. the same corner where i talked to T earlier today. inspired by jammerlich, i put myself there and put a blankie over me, curled up in fetal position.
and it came. the awful moment when reality comes back all in a rush. here I am. right here. and right now. and it sucks. and it hurts. and i'm confused. and my body feels hot and cold and hot and cold and the air is not enough, but i relish the suffocation. so sad. sobbing for 2 minutes. bye bye mascara. next furious. still paralysed.
i rest for an hour. cat comes under the blankie to join me. i meditate on my breath. i calm the rage. now i'm blank again. husband is being kind. i dunno if he has any idea what he just did to me. i dunno if he has any idea what effect a confrontational argument where my logic has no sway and his words have no logic has on my mind.
What a surreal experience to be in an argument and yet be so distant as to feel onself physically removed from one's own voice. in real time.
-Li
and the tip of my right index finger is numb. and i feel deaf in my left ear. i'm so damaged.
poster:Lindenblüte
thread:699176
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20061026/msgs/699176.html