Posted by Racer on October 22, 2006, at 13:17:55
In reply to Re: Anxiety and obsessions... (*VERY* long) » Racer, posted by Lindenblüte on October 22, 2006, at 9:02:06
> Hi Racer,
> I made it to the bottom of your post too. It went by really fast, because your writing is well-organized.Thank you so much for saying that. It means more to me than you might know to hear that.
>
> It sounds like you've created a sizeable chunk of your identity around a diagnostic label.That's also part of that whole trauma at the agency that treated me. Before that, it never bothered me. All the other times I'd been assessed for bipolar, my reaction was basically, "Oh. OK. Is this being manic? Does that mean I won't feel this good once it's treated? That's a drag..." The only time diagnosis seemed more important to me was with the eating disorder -- I tried to ask for help with that several times over the years, only to be told that I didn't look very thin, or that I'd never been diagnosed as having a problem, or something else equally frustrating.
But that agency treated diagnosis as all the information anyone would ever need about it, and the only insight I'd ever need into myself. It didn't help that they got the diagnosis wrong, which led to treatment that did even more damage. Now, even though I have all sorts of rational reactions -- maybe it would lead to more effective treatment, it's only a number on my chart that the insurance company will look at, etc -- there's also a huge phobic reaction as well.
>
> 2) tell yourself that you are more than X Y Z (where xy&z are labels such as depression, OCD, ...)See, that's not what the fear is about. The fear doesn't come from my not knowing that I'm more than that -- the fear is that the diagnosis will affect my treatment. That knowing I have an anxiety disorder will lead to the doctor saying, "Oh, you're only experiencing anxiety -- you only think you're experiencing [side effect x], it's really only anxiety." Or "you haven't gained all that much weight, and the only reason you're upset is that you've got an eating disorder." Or "it's only that you're mentally ill than makes you think you're having trouble with memory and cognition." Or even, "there's no point in trying to treat you, because you're so screwed up nothing's going to help you."
And don't say that isn't going to happen, since that's very much what has happened in the past.
>
> 4) I sent my pdoc an agonizing e-mail where I told him that I was afraid I was only getting better and answering questions about my improvement because I wanted to "please" him.I wrote an outline to take to my next appointment with him -- on Tuesday -- with some of my fears. Very basic: I'm afraid of all this, and I'm aware that it's an irrational fear, despite elements of reality to it; I'm likely to panic about any medication, and there's not much that the doctor can do about that except know that it's virtually certain to happen; and that I have a history of "manufacturing" improvements to please doctors, although I don't know when I'm doing it or when it's real, so he should probably keep in close contact with my T -- who sometimes does miss worsening of my depression from drugs, but is still the best litmus test I can think of.
>
> 6) Write it down when you're at your worst. Type it out, print it. When you're feeling better, you'll want to deny it to your docs, yourself, your cats. Having a record of how AWFUL you feel is really important. Then it makes sharing it a lot easier.Sorry, but -- do you *know* me? Have you been spying on me? lol Always makes me smile a bit to know I'm not the only nut out there ;-)
I'm a hazelnut, because I'm little and round. What sort of nut are you?
>
> 7) Part of you wants to get better. Try hard to listen to THAT voice, because the other voice, that says - "resist taking [new drugs]! Don't listen to pdoc! we LIKE feeling this way!" - is a liar.I don't have a voice saying "we like feeling this way." I have a voice saying, "PLEASE help me! But it's not help if it makes me feel as bad as though drugs did in the past, so I guess I'm stuck with this." It's good friends with the voice that says, "I deserve to feel this crappy." I say it's the Calvinist in my soul, my husband says it's the squirrel in my tree.
Remember in all this: the medications he's talking about are drugs I've taken before. This isn't just fear of the unknown, nor fear of drugs similar to ones I've taken in the past. These are the actual drugs themselves. That makes it harder still to get past it all.
>
> 8) I'm so glad you could tell babble that you were in such discomfort. Will you be able to talk about this existential crisis with someone IRL? Your husband, or a friend, or a mental health professional? Sometimes just saying it aloud really helps.
>I tried. That's also part of my current turmoil. I didn't feel very satisfied by therapy the other day -- my T kept saying that I needed to walk into his office without fear, because this is a different doctor. I kept saying, "well, it's not like I've had a good experience with a pdoc in the past twenty years -- best I've experienced so far is not terrible. Of course I'm frightened." I didn't figure out until later that I didn't feel validated, and certainly didn't feel as though I was getting credit just for going in there -- and I do think I deserve some credit for that.
So, I'm going back on Tuesday to finish the assessment and find out what medication he's going to add. And I really don't want to go. And I'm trying to remind myself that I didn't die from taking the drugs before -- although every time I try to think that sort of thing, to remind myself that it doesn't have to be forever, that if it turns bad on me I can stop, etc, I collapse inward on myself.
And I can't seem to put it out of my mind. I think it's like trying not to think of a white bear.
{sigh} And I'm behind in both my classes, and was ready to drop both of them, and just feel as though I'm failing utterly at everything right now. So, I'm going to go do something about the homework due tomorrow, and get all the way caught up in my other class -- which I really feel horrible about -- and hope that something about all that will help me feel more able.
Thank you all, I appreciate the words from you all, even if I"m only answer one of you directly. (I had a timer going, so I would get to homework instead of being sucked in to the web...)
poster:Racer
thread:696648
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20061012/msgs/696761.html