Posted by Daisym on September 25, 2006, at 22:21:41
In reply to Re: I Need some help, but be gentle... » daisym, posted by alexandra_k on September 25, 2006, at 20:36:32
I'm sorry sweetie :-( I think I understand how you feel... I've felt a little like that with one of my t's too...
I've been reading about transference :-(
One of the things that struck me... I don't know if this will resonate or not... But I'll talk about it a little and you can have a think about whether it seems to fit for you... I can't remember *precisely* what was said so I guess this is my rorscarch version of it (however you spell that) but <sigh> I don't have much time <glance furtively around the room> so I'll just have to do the best I can.
***************Transference sucks. I'm sure this plays into it in a huge way because it all got a million times worse after I told him what happened to me when I was 5.Attachment... Dependency. Attachment is something about feeling safe and protected and happy in the presence of another person. Just their being around. Feeling connected, or something. I guess the first person we attach to is usually a primary caregiver or something. And I guess that attachment is supposed to get internalised so that we carry that feeling around inside of us instead of literally needing anothers presence we kind of figuratively or metaphorically have that inside us. Or something. Then as we get older we attach to people. And people come and people go and stuff like that but it is meant to be okay because the first one went okay and we got to internalise that.
But sometimes that first attachment really didn't go okay. Maybe the person wasn't sensitive enough to our needs. Maybe that person wasn't very comforting when we needed them to be. Maybe that person hurt us instead of comforting. Maybe that person left when we needed them. Either left emotionally or left physically or whatever.
************My dad left me and moved 3000 miles away when I was 12 1/2. No good-bye, no big final scene -- just...gone. I saw him again when my brother graduated from high school -- about 5 1/2 years later. You'd think I would be happy about this, right? But I was so conflicted. I loved him and I was trying so hard to fix him. My mom worked all the time. I knew she loved me, but she just wasn't there. So my dad gave me the attention I wanted, even though it was often hurtful.
And when that happens... Then there can be terror. Maybe terror is too stong. Intense fears. Whatever. But fears of feeling dependency. Maybe we think that we were too needy. That our needs are too great. And if that is the case then it is not safe to demonstrate our needs because in the past we demonstrated our needs and the person hurt us. Was repulsed by us. Left us. Hurt us. Whatever. And so there can be fears about feeling clingy and dependent and stuff... And sometimes we push people away because... I'm not sure why... But if we can convince ourself that we don't feel those needy dependent clingy feelings then when they hurt us or aren't there for us or when they leave us then we think it won't hurt us as much as it would if we really allowed ourself to feel those needy feelings. So sometimes we push the person away by closing off or hating them or whatever...
****************************Doesn't make sense, does it? Push people away because we crave being close. And yes, there is terror. Primal terror that says without this person I will fragment and fall apart. My therapist says that I describe it as clingy because needing at all feels to me like I'm smothering someone. I think I know two speeds - completely open or completely closed.
But he has been there and he has been patient and you have been getting in touch with those feelings. In all my years of therapy... With all the people I've seen. I NEVER EVER NOT IN ONE MILLION YEARS would have told them how I really felt. NEVER EVER EVER. I wouldn't even... Not really... I wouldn't even have admitted it to myself. Because I feel disgusted with myself for having those feelings. Maybe because I thought that my father was disgusted / repulsed by me having those feelings. I don't know. Anyway... I guess you have been getting in touch with them. But with that comes a vulnerability.
**********************Yup - totally vulnerable. And mortified sometimes. But othertimes it feels OK - the truth is the contract we have between us. If there are any real rules about therapy, I think telling the truth as you see it is the big rule. So I can use the word love and he knows what I mean. I do ask if he is disgusted or mad or think I'm presumptuous - but he says he thinks I need to be able to fully love someone in a safe relationship and he is honored it "gets to" be him. I always smile at that -- like he has a choice? I'm sad you haven't shared these feelings with a safe therapist. When it goes well, it feels very, very special.
I think this does happen. It is terrific that you can express your feelings of attachment to him and he is really very good with that. But I guess the inevitable will come up... All the fears and terrors... And then the defences come up. And it is hard because... Nobody is around forever. I don't know how this is supposed to go... I don't know. I guess you only feel the good feelings of attachment when the fears are put to one side. How to fight through the fears? I don't know. Being vulnerable... The risks... I think it is about... Somehow being okay with yeah having those feelings of attachment. And yeah coming to accept that the person won't be around forever. And yeah coming to accept that it will HURT LIKE HELL when they go. But somehow... Being able to open oneself up and be vulnerable anyway. And somehow know that while it will hurt a lot... You will be okay. It will be okay. You can attach again. I don't know what else to say, I'm sorry. This isn't really helpful most probably. But I guess it is a process. Maybe one hard thing is that... If you don't allow yourself to feel those feelings... If the defences come up... Then will it really hurt any less?
***************************No - I doubt it would hurt less. What is that saying? Better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all... But I can't seem to control the defenses - how do I learn to do that? And I've hurt so much before, you'd think I'd be used to it. But the thing is - it isn't time to stop yet. He says so. I say so. It is just this young terrified part that says, "protect me- don't let him hurt me." Loving is so dangerous.
I don't think it does hurt any less. I don't think it does. But I don't know. No idea. Sorry.
******************Don't be sorry. It helps to read it all thought out by someone else. I wish understanding it would instantly "cure" whatever it is that is in the way. Because the hole is huge and that is as scary as the attachment.
Can't win, can I?
poster:Daisym
thread:689207
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20060911/msgs/689253.html