Posted by Lindenblüte on September 21, 2006, at 17:12:50
Maybe it was the concern in my pdoc's face.
I guess there's no pill for this kind of stuff (childhood trauma). I couldn't imagine being a pdoc and not having a way to fix people who were hurting like me. :(
Anyways, the other thing that is hard is that it's a lonely thing. Symptoms are "easy" in that sense. Most everyone can relate to insomnia, or having jitters, or a tummyache, or even to being depressed. Nobody can be inside of my head, reliving horrible moments at the tiniest little trigger.
I spend my whole day today trying to numb myself, but my heart is racing. I'm shaking. I hold onto my knees to tell myself that I'm here. HERE. Two feet on the ground. Safe. Somehow... it's not safe from myself.
At least I can think today. I'm at that point where thoughts are coming from all directions, but at least they are trying to organize themselves to make a coherent dialog.
I'm in one of my metaphoric moods. That means that I want to respond to everyones posts using dumb metaphors.
Well, why not start with my name?
I went with my mom to Germany this summer. I realized for the first time that this was her "safe place". A family lived on Lindenstrasse 40 years ago, and have welcomed 3 generations of our family to live with them, because they cherish my mother so. She couldn't get that love and acceptance in her marriage. She was constantly belittled and struck out in blind rage against her oppresor/s. On Lindenstrasse, she learned what a family's love for their child feels like. Hearing the old woman speak this summer, about her childhood growing up in the 3. Reich, and her years with my mom in and out of her household, at the family weddings and funerals. Well, I realized that my mom was cherished and loved and "held" by this woman, and her children's families, and their children also.
I just want to be a blossom in my mom's safe place. Just to watch. Just to see and understand how that kind of love can change a person from bitter and enraged to tender and loving. Just to understand how my mom was never allowed to flourish in the household where she chose to raise her own children.
-Li
poster:Lindenblüte
thread:687944
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20060911/msgs/687944.html