Posted by wishingstar on September 19, 2006, at 21:15:44
In reply to hard day... anne, partial (long), posted by wishingstar on September 18, 2006, at 15:56:29
Wow.. thank you all so much for your support. It helps so much to know that I'm not the only one who sees this as hurtful and ridiculous. Sometimes I feel like it;s somehow my fault (no idea how it could be).. but hearing you guys react helps me feel better about that.
I wrote anne a note today.. 1 page double sided.. about how hurtful and wrong this was. I said that she should know better, she should have told me herself, etc etc. Went in to her office to leave it in her mailbox.. shes on the 3rd floor (its a house turned into therapy offices), mailboxes are on the first.. saw that her car was there but didnt think id run into her.. but of course.. OF COURSE.. as I'm walking out, she comes walking down the stairs.
We talked for maybe 10 min. She asked if there was anything I wanted to say when we ran into each other.. I burst into tears and said something like "well yeah, but i dont know what" with a real snotty voice, I'm sure. But then I told her how I felt, at least somewhat.. she said she thought "long and hard" about whether to call me back on fri or not, and really thought waiting until i was with randy was better for me.. she apologized when I said it wasnt. She knew I was mad. But she still shouldnt have been so clueless as to think that was better. Then we basically said goodbye, she said good luck with everything.. I walked to my car and broke down.. sobbing in my car. She drove out behind me.. I left a few min later. I'll never see her again.
...possible suicide/minor SI triggers below.....
I am scared. I am scared of myself. I dont feel safe. I spent an hour on the phone with another suicide hotline person.. he was pretty good but i manage to talk myself into corners and there's nothing anyone can say to get me out. Good to talk to someone anyway, I guess.. I dont know.
I tried to SI.. it had been many many months since I last did.. and it didnt work. It hurt and it didnt help. That isnt supposed to happen. It feels like my best coping mechanism, the "just in case" one, has been ripped away now.
Tomorrow or Thurs is suppposed to be my last day of partial Randy said. I made an appt with Laurie for Friday. I dont want to leave, but I dont want to stay there either. When I started, I felt depressed and wasnt functioning, but now I feel depressed, am feeling really suicidal, and am not functioning. He has definitely helped me in a LOT of ways.. but no one can make me happy. No one can convince me I want to stick around and keep fighting this battle.. you know? I'll tell him tomorrow how bad tonight was.. because it was the first time I felt REALLY suicidal in awhile.. but who knows. I'm getting ot the point where the workshops in partial are starting to repeat.. theres not a lot more I can get out of it. So now what? I'm just screwed. I feel so incredibly hopeless.
I just wish Anne would care about me. I need her. I really need her now.. even if it was the "normal" her where she wasnt really hearing me, etc.. I just need someone familiar and safe. As much as I love Randy, he isnt familiar and safe yet. He's scary in some ways. Doing all this in a group can be scary. We got a new guy today who intimidates me a lot.. his problem is depression but hes just scary. I need something. Laurie will be good. I just cant keep doing this.
I do want to respond to some of you individually about what you said but I just cant get it together to do that right now. But I will. thank you.
tomorrow i have to lead a meeting with my 14 undergraduate mentees. I cant do it. I cant do it.
poster:wishingstar
thread:687136
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20060911/msgs/687529.html