Posted by daisym on September 12, 2006, at 16:26:32
In reply to Re: My next T session topic about my marriage and life, posted by LadyBug on September 12, 2006, at 14:51:14
I'm struck by you wanting to separate out talking about your marriage from your childhood abuse. And for good measure, I'll throw in your feelings about your therapist. In my experience, it is all so tightly rolled together that talking about one leads to the other and back again.
It sounds like you have a really good handle on the "why" you married your husband. The conflict you feel about what is good for your kids and what is good for you is clear. And that makes it a 1000 times harder because, imo, you must consider them in your decision. But your own unhappiness effects them. And the relationship you are modeling for them lays a framework for how they view relationships and marriage. So it isn't a simply thing - staying or going.
What I know is that I spent two years talking about all the problems in my life, stating often that I had no intention of leaving my marriage and trying very hard to find a way to make it better - I wanted to fix me so that I could tolerate the unhappiness. As we talked more and more about the abuse in my childhood, a pattern of relating and control emerged. And as I told the awful stories in detail and cried over all the things so long buried, I started to believe that I didn't deserve to be this unhappy.
My feelings for my therapist gave me strength and courage to make changes. He accepted them and agreed that I didn't deserve to be unhappy. He very, very gently showed me that my husband's behavior wasn't my fault...but that I was allowing it and making excuses for it. And my frustration about not getting what I wanted from my therapist made me look at what was missing in my life and that helped me get it together to leave as well.
I'm not saying that you should leave. I'm guess this is my long winded way of saying that talking about your past helps you figure out how to change your future. I'm a long way from done. I can't say I'm "happy" right now. But I'm not "unhappy" on a daily basis and certainly, I'm not being retraumatized. It is super hard to push yourself out of this ambiguous, do nothing state. It takes time and lots of support.
So talk about what you need/want to talk about at your next appointment. My guess is that it will all come up as it needs to.
I know the anniversery sadness feeling. I hope you get through it OK. Maybe your husband is sad too? Might be a good thing to talk to him about.
Good Luck.
Daisy
poster:daisym
thread:685277
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20060911/msgs/685358.html