Posted by susan47 on September 7, 2006, at 1:32:10
In reply to difficulties with decisions, posted by Franz on August 31, 2006, at 15:10:45
Probably no one will answer to this. Everyone hates Susan47. Which is kind of just the way it is, sometimes. But, oh well. I'm just feeling really angry and resentful right now. BUT Franz, please, don't let me turn you off. I want you to know I hear you. But from my perspective, and perhaps you can relate to some of it?
> Hello, what do you think, dificulties to make decisions is a sign of depression or a lack of skill?.
In the past, I've found that my inability to make decisions correlates quite closely to my inability to deal with change. I have trouble with things like making the transition from work to home. At work I am competent, happy, outgoing and very friendly, for the most part. Light-hearted, even. But I find the first thing I want to do when I get home is crawl into bed and put the pillows and blankets over me. Disappear, hide from the world. I have to fight the urge very much, and it is difficult to control at times. I used to really do that; in the past, I would actually spend time in bed hiding from my responsibilities. Unable to leave the apartment on weekends and evenings, unable to open the mail, return phone calls, log onto my online account, etc etc etc ... and sometimes, making decisions isn't the difficult part. Sometimes, I can make all kinds of wonderful decisions. But my fear of failing stops me from even trying to realize the potential of bringing those decisions to any type of reality. How awful to see that in print...
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> I suffer when I have to make decision that involve emotional components and change of relations (change work, quit a relationship).I've never been able to quit any relationship very easily when it came to the opposite sex. I idealize a lot. Am constantly disappointed, and giving out the wrong signals. Why? Because I can't make a decision. What do I want? Who do I want? Who don't I want? Does it matter? I should give him a chance .. and then, whoops, too late, and I have to end up despising the person or myself in order to end it. Hanging in there to the last. Afraid to be alone. And depressed. The story of Life. My life. And I don't understand why I've done that to myself ... and I know that I have to change that, because in twenty years I'll be 70, seventy years old .. twenty years passes by in the blink of a bloody eye ... My God. How depressing, how sad, how unable to live and appreciate this moment because, you know what? I'm alone, and I hate being alone. But I hate being with people, the wrong people, as well, as much as I hate being alone. So .. I don't know. Sometimes it feels like there is no hope. No Hope.
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> Maybe it is an attachment problem?. Or lack of expected pleasure in the new possibilities (due to a depressive state)?.Well, what does it really matter why? How is knowing that going to change anything. It's knowing how to change yourself, live in each moment to the fullest without fear. How the hell do you do that? Near-death experience, maybe? Have you had one of those?
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> Anyone have suggestions?. What kind of therapy?. Psychoanalysis seems not to work, it delays things more. Medication?Psychoanalysts can be helpful or a hindrance.. have you tried more than one? You say psychoanalysis.. delays things more. I agree that it can definitely be a long drawn-out process, and from what I understand it can fluctuate in how you'll deal with life from week to week, or from one appointment to another .. because of the issues that get brought up and needing to be resolved, and the stages of resolution you need to go through can really all look quite different .. I think. I think. I don't know.
In my experience medication only works as long as you take it, and I've never been successful in that department. If it had the same effect on me that marihuana has, well then, I wouldn't have any trouble taking medication. But the side effects of every med I've ever tried have, in the end, negated the benefits and I've gone off. As my doctor says, I'm "non-compliant". Was there ever a more distasteful, disrespectful way to talk to a patient? *sigh* Ah, well. Somehow, urinary incontinence is supposed to be okay as long as my mood is high, regardless of my true internal temperature. I've gone past the idea that it's a chemical imbalance, for me. At least, for now. I've yet to try to latest class of medications, the latest and greatest of the AD's .. and I don't know if I really want to hide in good moods, anymore. I need to be genuine and.. I suspect this sounds like a justification any non-compliant patient might make .. but I need to feel my moods to get a handle on who the hell I really am. Whether that hurts or not can't matter, anymore. I have a lot of growing I want to do. I really want to. I have to learn to make decisions, to Deal, Baby.
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> Thanks
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You're welcome, whether I was understood or judged or not. You sound like someone who's trying to come to understanding.
poster:susan47
thread:681757
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20060826/msgs/683872.html