Posted by ElaineM on July 26, 2006, at 20:32:52
In reply to Re: He's leaving ****triggers**** » ElaineM, posted by Dinah on July 26, 2006, at 16:10:39
> I haven't written much, although I really do wish I could help somehow.
Dinah: I appreciate even the gesture of someone writing, regardless of the contents -- I find that supportive too.
> I guess that although you've written many things about your therapist that have distressed people, and distress me as well in terms of therapeutic behavior, it also sounds as if he meets some of your needs in a way that a therapist who stuck to the rules might not.
I can't say how much it means to hear someone understand that. I know everyone is looking out for me, I know that he is not a normal T, I've started considering that some of the ways we are could be bad in the long run, but I always worry that I'm not properly expressing how short-term my mind works right now - how I have nothing and no one else, that I can't even rely on my own body for support. I realize you're not condoning his approach, but I appreciate you saying that you can recognize how he's the only crutch I have right now. If I weren't doing so poorly, maybe I'd be stronger, and react to all of this differently -- I don't know.
> ...he's acting as more than a therapist. Or perhaps just that I don't have a sense of the full nature of your relationship.
It is complicated. I know he's been hurt in life. I feel like he was a block of ice when we started, and now he's discovering that he feels (like all us other regular humans) -- he's thawing out. And I think that's good for him. He tends to leave people, and I think that he gets something from me that makes him want to stay. And I'm not talking about romantic stuff -- although I sense, I fear, it may snowball into that. I don't know when he will stop being satisfied by me. I don't know if, or when, the expectations he has will change. I don't know if/when he'll tire of me too (although I don't think he'd leave me now). He says that my nakedness is infectious -- he tells me I'm so un-ashamedly honest, and un-afraid of self-deprecation. He tells me that he wishes he could be like that -- that it is hard being disengaged all the time. THe thing he doesn't realize is that I'm like that becaue I have no pride left, I'm desperate. Especially infront of doctors -- in my head I think that if they think I'm pathetic enough they'll take pity on me a cure me. I know it is stupid, but I still believe it sometimes.
WHen things first started to change, he said that baring secrets in a room to another is like stripping, and he wanted to help me share the pressure of the spotlight. So he asked me what I think he should work on. And we take turns talking, and figuring out each others things. I don't think he has anyone else to be so open with.
> He's no longer charging you?
He was still getting paid up until a few weeks ago (i think, i can't remember dates). Now he gets nothing at all for seeing me at all three of my sessions. He said he never considered weekend stuff as therapy he would bill for (but I've only seen him a few times out of the work week)
> I can feel my therapist starting to act like a therapist now in ways that highlight that he wasn't acting precisely therapist-like before.
Does it bother you that you can recognize the difference now? Do you think you get more from how he is now? If you do, do you ever resent him for being different during earlier times? [please don't answer these if they are difficult questions. I'm not really sure of your story, but I sense that you find the T-relationship subject quite painful(?) So feel free to "pass" on them if it's too hard]
>...but I think I'd forgive him anything, and I mean anything, to keep a relationship of some sort.
Then you can understand. (((Dinah)))
> But I hope I would also seek out a truly therapeutic relationship even as I held on to a nontherapeutic one with him.
If that makes sense?It makes sense. Do you mean if you held the wish for more in your heart, while only seeking out the professional relationship? Or do you mean for both to be possible simultaneously? I think both at the same time would be wonderful, ideal. But from what I've been reading from others, I don't think that it's possible. I don't know.
It's nice to hear from you - especially if it's a hard subject.
EL
poster:ElaineM
thread:669755
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20060721/msgs/670895.html